i feel like killing myself

19f and i feel sick ti my stomach writing this but i need this off my chest and for someone to tell me what to do.
at the age of 11 i was introduced to my moms then boyfriend. almost as soon as we met he began acting really odd. long story short hed make me kiss him in an explicit way, slap my bum whenever id walk by, grab and squeeze my crotch on numerous occasions, make me sleep in bed with him whenever my mom had night shifts and snuggle up to me way too close without allowing me to get out.
my mother and him were also never really too concerned with hiding the fact that they were having sex. wouldn’t bother considering that the walls were paper think or that my room was right next to theirs. whenever the three of us had to share a bedroom id hear them have sex on the floor and continue even after telling them to stop. it would get worse when hed get drunk, but despite all of this he never actually did anything else. this lasted until i was 13 or 14 years old where my suicidal ideations and sh peaked. i still have nightmares of him being back in my life and that unsafe feeling still lingers on.

now the worst part is that i fantasize about being horribly raped in both the grown up and child versions of me. i get off on very violent, vicious and disgusting pornography and i hate myself for. i feel sick with myself. i don’t want to be like this. i didn’t even have it as bad as the other people here so why am i like this. it makes me feel like this us my fault and like im just using those experiences as excuses for being the way i am. i feel so disgusting and dirty and deranged. i feel like a pedophile especially when i imagine my 11 year old being raped.
it doesn’t help that im also terrified of men of all ages. ive failed so many grouo works in high school because id just refuse to interact with boys my age and now ive dropped out of uni because its gotten worse and theres no teachers to accommodate my dumbass needs. i don’t want to be like this i hate myself so much. i feel like such a failure and waste of air and the only solution i can think of is killing myself because i cant afford professional help and im tired of living like this.

i don’t even know if im using the right flair bc idk if that counts as sexual abuse since hes never done anything more