I’ve never been tested or diagnosed with anything other than anxiety, which was more of me telling the DR and them just taking my word and putting me on meds straight away. I don’t take them anymore because they made me feel awful. 

I have always known that there’s something there though because when I was a kid I was put in some sort of a special class, where  3-4 other kids and I would sit in a room at a big desk with a woman we called Jessica, and do fun things like puzzles and coloring, growing flowers from styrofoam cups and playing games. None of the other kids in my class ever went with me. I used to get in trouble a lot for not listening, making things up, getting up during class, and I had a lot of friction with other kids because socially I wasn’t the best either. 

Now at 28 years old I have a 4 year old in preschool and I feel like I’m failing in all aspects of parenting. We’re always late, we miss appointments because I forget them despite having a calendar reminder and phone reminder, it’s difficult for us to stay in routine, sometimes i even forget to check to make sure he has his shoes on before we leave since he’s always wrapped in a blanket in the morning. 

This whole post stems from this morning, it was pajama day at school. I dropped him off and his teacher awkwardly laughed and said “uh it’s pajama day”. I apologized and said I forgot, I was really embarrassed because he was the only kid not in pajamas. I just stood there because I wasn’t sure what to do and his teacher was still awkwardly laughing and just said “okay well it’s fine”. 

The whole drive to work I was thinking about how those other parents probably have a strict bedtime routine, they always have their kids ready in the morning, they remember events and their kids get to enjoy them because they remember. I just feel deflated. I feel bad that my son has a mom like me. I know it could be worse because he’s clothed and fed and loved and has a home but I can’t help but feel smothered by my shortcomings. My mom also forgot things a lot and mixed up dates, sometimes I’d show up to school dressed for picture day when it wasn’t picture day. I was bullied for it. I’m terrified for my son to start school when he’s 5. The anxiety of it eats at me. 

Undiagnosed, unmedicated, and feeling like a shit parent