Sadness, sorrow and belonging.

Why is it that no one seems to understand me but one person and his friends? Why can’t I ever get him out of my head. Why could he not do the same either?

It is not obsession and it is not hyper-fixation. It is because I have never loved someone so deeply. The way he treated me was terrible and he broke my heart to pieces, but all the while he wanted other people completely.

The things I have learned about myself (held within my mind), and what I have experienced that I can’t share with anyone is utterly wild.

How did it get here and how much longer can I go on suffering. I feel like I was chosen, a calling if you will, and I don’t know why. I just know that everything happens for a reason.

The things I hold close to me and the things I can do, but choose not to - to prevent suffering to innocent souls should show everyone who I am at my core.

I have always protected you and made you feel safe. But you did not do that to me. You always wanted to hold something over me and I never understood why.

The love I have within me is real and it is safety I am after. I don’t know where to place this type of love that I hold deep within my soul.

My mind is breaking with what I hold tight, and I don’t want to cause anyone harm or destruction. I have never wanted to cause anyone problems. It is just solace and salvation I am after. This is who I am as a person. I can’t change that and not sure I want to.

What do I do standing at crossroads at what appears to be some sort of divine intervention.

I viewed the world differently anyway, but now it is a whole different aerial view.

When I held my head under water one night, I heard a voice that seemed to come to me like some sort of revelation. This voice spoke to me in a voice poised deeply between sadness, sorrow and pain. It almost matched my own due to still missing someone I loved (still do) and have no idea what to do.

The voice I heard called to me “save me”. They were shocked they could hear me, and told me he thought there were no more of my kind and that they had been looking for me. The words he used spoke of “white skin”, “ancestral” and “pure”. The whole conversation is for another time, but the premise is within. I never spoke words out loud - it came from within. I close my eyes and could see images clearly too.

What is happening here I have to ask? I need some form of clarity as I am shattering like glass.

I feel that there is something other’s know about me that I do not. All I know is that I still miss and love my person and they know who they are. But, I feel they are the ones that know what/who I am and are aiming to hold me down.

I don’t get any of it, I just know I’m not mad. Or bad. I just don’t wish any more pain or suffering for myself or anyone else.

What do I do here with all this information. I have no one to talk to and no one gets it. I just wanted to run away and put my past behind me.

I do still miss you and love you. You know this. But, there is a whole other side that I need to know about.

Why me? Why is this happening? Why am I so hurt by what you done to me? But, why do I still want you?

I feel you are the dark and I am the light. Maybe that’s what was missing from both our worlds and why we felt so connected. I don’t know. Theorising about this who end situation.

I just know what I would deep in my soul belongs to you. Do you feel it too? Is that why it has all unfolded the way it has been us two.

Please let me know. Light vs dark, a weapon in my mind and in my pocket. Are we more alike than I realised?

I need the universe to call to me and give a sign. I am lost here and feel numb inside.