\*Not even because I've been so hurt or screwed over by them. It's largely because of what I *haven't* experienced, what seems to be just out of reach, and all of the contradictory things I've learned as I've grown up that have left me in a confused, frustrated state of decision paralysis and anxiety related to the topic. At this point it just seems a lot easier to not deal with it entirely. 

I grew up within purity culture and was told that women shouldn't have sex until and unless they are married, and I was told that men only want "pure women." But then you get out into the real world and you find out - oop that's a lie! Not only is it a lie, but everyone seems to be committed to perpetuating the lie even if they're hypocrites for some odd reason? So, naturally, even though I had a lot of opportunities primarily in college to have sex, I was so anxious about how I would be perceived that I just didn't take them, and now, even though I recently had a physical glow up and grew out of my physical awkwardness, I’m a 25 year old virgin with basically zero real prospects because everyone is already taken and for some reason it just doesn’t want to click for me. The awkward, ugly, 13-year-old girl I once was lives in inwardly, I suppose. 

And then social media just makes it 10x worse. Literally *everything* is contradictory as far as dating and relationship advice. “Withhold access so he appreciates it more!” “Be the black cat!” “Be the golden retriever!” “Ask men out!” “NEVER ask men out unless you want them to never appreciate you!” “Sleep with as many people as possible!” “Never sleep around, you don’t want to give away your energy!” “Be mean and act like a bitch!” It’s making everyone crazy and it makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide. I already barely understood men, but this just made it all ten times worse. 

Finally, on top of all of that, although I’ve had a small handful of situations with men, they’ve never actually led to anything real. No long lasting relationships, no sex (this one is particularly killing me), no experiences to write home about, barely any experiences, period. And especially at this point in time, every attempt I make to connect with a guy on some level is thwarted or just doesn’t go anywhere. Literally, the last time I tried to get laid (a few weeks ago), I got into an insane car wreck and spent the night in the hospital. 

It just seems like there’s too much mental shit for me to overcome as far as this is concerned, and every time I try to involve myself in it, I just fail. I think I need to completely pivot into the other parts of my life and mourn the life I thought I would have. It fucking sucks and I’ve been crying every day as I grieve, but I can’t continue to live in this tortured false hope. 

Officially opting out of dealing with men altogether.*