Spouse drinks and picks fights and I am exhausted by it

We’ve been married 10 years, together for 12.

Over the last couple of years (even before the difficulties we have now), he’s made it clear that because I travel for my job and for hobbies that he resents me. He is sometimes invited for hobby travel, but not always for various reasons, but I’ve also made clear he is welcome to travel for pleasure on his own whenever he likes. He has made a habit out of drinking a bunch and then drunk texting me about what a terrible partner I am for not being home with him or leaving him to care for things back home (no kids). It’s been a point of contention.

Some months ago, I made a stand, told him to get into therapy and stop drinking or our relationship would be over. He found a good therapist and things mostly improved. Then we had a very intense fight a few weeks ago because I told him he was killing some plants by overwatering. He said I shouldn’t have said anything because he is upset about (multiple) of his family members being diagnosed with cancer. He told me I was a “selfish b*tch” for bringing up the plants. He’s never spoken to me like that before. I told him it can’t be the case that because he is having a tough time I cant communicate anything to him and he needs to be seeing his therapist more regularly. It eventually blew over. I asked him to find a couples counselor for us to meet with about communication. He has not done that and blames his therapist for not getting recommendations back to him.

We had a difficult last weekend putting my old dog down. It was not easy. He made none of the decisions, I both decided and organized everything. But it was tough.

Last night he got drunk even though a friend was coming for dinner, behaved like an ass, passed out on the floor, and then later as we are getting ready for bed told me “I want to talk to you about something. I don’t like how you flirt with [random other friend].” I wrecked my brain. I haven’t seen this person in weeks. I mentioned that evening that I got an alert that this other friend had closed his apple rings and I like to reply to his (and other friends) fitness alerts. That was the only mention or interaction I have had with this person in weeks. I ask my spouse to tell me one concrete example of what he’s talking about and he tells me that (literally) a year ago, I made a comment about this persons underwear (related to a whole conversation that was had about this persons underwear, involving multiple people) and the person made an inappropriate comment back to me. So I guess that’s flirting?

I flipped my shit. And then he told me I was defensive so therefore I can’t honestly say it’s not true. I told him he is drunk and picking fights and I left to sleep in another room. I had not intended to confront him about the drinking that evening because he had been having such a tough time. But ofc now I was forced to.

I don’t really know where to go from here. I am an active, hard working person with many friends and acquaintances. I don’t want to be around a person who gets drunk and emotionally abusive. But at the same time, I get that this has been a really difficult couple of years for him as he has lost a job, his family members are sick, etc. but I’ve been supportive and kept us afloat financially. I deserve at least a modicum of respect, I feel?

Do we really think this relationship is salvageable? I just don’t really know what to do other than try counseling. And even then I’m not sure he’s willing to put in the effort because he’s so consistently looking for ways to make excuses for his own behavior. I’m am sure I am not perfect, but I let a lot of small things go to keep our relationship positive and I try my best to be a good partner. I feel like I get love bombed for a while and then told I suck as a partner in return.

TLDR; partner got drunk despite promising to stay sober after a lot of drunk emotional abuse. Then he accused me of flirting with someone on the basis of an interaction that happened over a year ago. Is it worth trying therapy or is this marriage dead already?