Relapsing after five months of being off medication

Last year, I was diagnosed with MDD and started taking medication. For the past five years, I’ve been in this mental warfare. And it’s been an endless cycle of ups and downs. There were years when I thrived and genuinely felt like living despite the mental and emotional struggles. But this year has felt incredibly draining, and I feel like I’m losing it. All the hard work I’ve put into getting better now feels like it’s pulling me back to the ground.

Last year, on Christmas Day, I brought myself to a mental health hospital for an emergency consultation after having an episode that led to an attempt. I was advised to be admitted, but I opted to stay at home. I was prescribed a different and stronger medication, which I eventually stopped taking cold turkey after three months.

Now, after five months of being off medication and not seeing my therapist (my last session was in October 2025), I’m finding myself back in the dark, struggling to pull myself out.

This has been the reality of the life I’ve been living: constant struggle, self-doubt, self-sabotage, and self-destruction. I don’t know if I’ll ever truly get better for good.

I just feel tired of having to fight the same battle over and over again.