A Cautionary Tale of how Ghosting Hurts EVERYONE (Extremely long recap of the worst months of my life)

I do not expect much attention or traction from this, but am doing it anyway. This is my second and final post to Reddit to express my utmost heartbreak and sorrow over the loss of a relationship that was truly perfect but ruined by very poor communication by one party. I normally would never do this, and I have little to no presence on the internet whatsoever. No activity on socials and I only have accounts on various platforms to document my tastes and look at art or memes. But I have absolutely nobody in my life now with this person gone, and am going through the worst pain of my life. If you are by some chance extremely bored and want a massive look into the sheer scale of damage ghosting can do look no further. 

It is a long and arduous read and I will be grateful for any sympathy which is something I have never asked for before. Please direct it in my DMS, not in the comment section. An analysis on my social skills is welcome. Did I handle this situation as best I could? I absolutely made a few mistakes, but is there anything I REALLY did wrong? And please, advice on how to move on. I am truly hurt in every way. 

I am 24 with no friends and live a very dysfunctional, isolated life. Unemployed currently and resuming treatment for lifelong depression. I have not had any physical, emotional or sexual contact with anyone in over 8 years. Under the guidance of my psychiatrist I began to reach out to a few people on some websites I would be interested in, and it paid off. In May I began a semi romantic long distance relationship with a woman in South Africa. We met on an art website and quickly fell deep into things. We started off as friends, but it was definitely deeper than that and we were working on leading into something bigger. We had plans to move forward towards a true relationship of some kind.

There was lots of sex involved, but our relationship mostly consisted of a "learning experience" between the two of us, chatting all day asking each other questions. Talking about our surroundings, our interests and venting about our daily lives. We are both writers and I had finally found a perfect person to share my interests with. For the first time in my life I truly felt like I had met a soul mate, even if she was a million miles away. This was NOT A CATFISH OR SCAM SITUATION. No money was ever exchanged, no malicious or deceitful intent to extort one another, just two friends across the world who bonded very quickly and wanted to take things further one step at a time. This was a very detailed relationship and our conversations were more like letters between each other. There was a great deal of emotional and mental bonding, appreciating each other on every level we could. And also a massive amount of trust, with us sharing very close and personal details with one another. Things were deep. Very deep. And I do not want to overshare the specific intricacies for the sake of my own, and her, privacy, this was a very special dynamic and something I’ve looked for for a long time. 

I fell in love with not just her but her country. She would constantly talk about her life there and as someone in the states it seemed so all seemed so interesting, and she was always eager to learn about me as well. For over a month we were pretty much inseparable.We spoke all day every day. There were times however, where she needed a break from things as she is a very busy university student working on her Masters and works two full time jobs. She WAS prone to disappearing before I had met her, having sporadic multi-month long gaps between her posts on the art website I met her. She had also held off on messaging me back for a solid 3 weeks when I sent my friend request on Discord. But she explained to me that she was simply busy and had a hectic schedule, promising  to inform me if things got a little too much for her and she needed space. We never exchanged numbers or other social profiles because there wasn’t really a need to and both of us only used other platforms for necessities anyway. 

I made VERY clear to her that she has no obligation to talk to me. There are more important things in her life than speaking to me. That she has greater responsibilities. That she has to look out for herself, and I will always be here for her in her off time. I said straight to her face I don't care if she needs to disappear for a long while as long as she just gives me a basic heads up first so I don't worry. That’s all. And she agreed. She was the best communicator I have ever met, and a truly intelligent and caring person when speaking to me. Things were bright for both of us. I’m not sure what went so incredibly wrong that this all fell apart. 

At the end of May she sent me a message saying that she was slaving away on her Methodology essay but would be done in 
TWO DAYS to chat with me and that she was eagerly looking forward to it. She sent me a picture of her neighborhood and
flowers, saying she misses me. Obviously I thought nothing of it and said I was looking forward to seeing her too. But two days later she never came. I assumed she was just busy. She had never missed a deadline before and I knew she was quite tired, so I just thought she needed some space and forgot to inform me. Like I said, I don’t care about when she wants to chat as long as she gives me a heads up if she needs some time away. But then it became a week. And so I sent a simple “hey, I’m still here whenever you’re free, hope you’re doing well.” After another week I grew more concerned. I tried more messages and reaching out with calls, nothing. Then a month. A few more messages trying to reach her, radio silence. Then two months. And as more time passed, I worried greatly for her safety. I am well aware of the crime situation in South Africa and she lives right above a very sketchy and dangerous part of Cape Town with near constant robberies, prostitution and murder. 

I just shut down. I missed her. I was worried about her. I feared for her. I cried for her. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. Day after day of wondering if she somehow got mugged while on her way home from work. And 3 months to the day after we met, I had to find out what happened to my friend and why she inexplicably vanished after speaking to me all day every day. I needed closure.

To give a step by step recap of how I found her l first tried for around an entire week doing this on my own but it was pretty much impossible. I tried geo-locating her last photo to me but I couldn't find the street in the vast sea of South African suburbs that all look nearly identical. I knew she worked at a learning centre but after checking dozens upon dozens I couldn't find the right fit. She said she worked in the English department of  her university and based on the geography and locations she’d been to, I thought for sure I had her school pinned down. I underestimated Cape Town's size and how hard cartography is in general, so I was CONVINCED on her general area. I checked multiple University graduation booklets from 2025 as she said she received her Honours last year and is a Cum Laude student. Nothing. I checked businesses she frequented and shops she went to but obviously nothing. And I was just so tired. 

I made an official post to R/Capetown explaining my situation. I originally had started looking at the subreddit to learn about her country, and came across numerous other people with my same issue: their online friend suddenly vanishing. I figured I'd try my hand at it as a last resort. I gave some info and showed her last message to me. I did not share any private info or show her face in the post. There was some skepticism due to some details I got wrong or misinterpreted but I got a lot of responses looking to help. I knew the possibility of her death was always pretty unlikely, even given the circumstances. Word spreads fast in her area and I most definitely would have seen some hint of her passing on the news or in my obituary hunts. But as long as the possibility was out there, I had to confirm.

By some chance I got a message from someone who recognized her street. This person who I met grew up in the area, and even went to high school with her. He found her photo in a yearbook and said he'd reach out to her on Facebook for me, discreetly. He didn't want to raise any suspicions and respect her space. I fully agreed. And so I waited. But ultimately she never got back to this person, as her facebook was largely inactive and very sparsely used.

I was not resting with me so tantalizingly close to finding her. I discovered the learning centre she worked at and found a photo of her on their instagram. I resorted to DMing people at her job seeing if I could find out if she was okay. The message was a simple "Hey do you work at ____ Learning Centre? A friend of mine disappeared recently and l'd like to see if you recognize her. It will only take a minute or two of your time." At first I only did 2 people. But after multiple days I got absolutely no response. So I tried more. And more. And more. And absolutely 0 people responded to me or gave a single shit. Not one person got back to me with any info in days. I was completely ignored, even after an email inquiry that I phrased as a welfare check (which it was).

But after that, I refocused my search more clearly. I honed in on her University and contacted as many people as I could affiliated with the English department where she worked. Her colleagues and potential friends, all with the same message as before, that my friend had disappeared, and I just needed to make sure she was okay. I got one response. A very friendly, helpful and informative colleague of hers explained that they hadn’t seen her in a little over a month but that they would relay that I was searching for her right away for me, just to make sure she’s safe. I agreed and patiently waited for her to get back to me. But around 40 minutes later her colleague blocked me. As well as others. And the official English Department instagram. She had obviously discovered I was looking for her, and informed every single person she knew to immediately block me. 

I migrated to her Facebook after discovering it had now become privated, which it wasn’t when it was originally discovered. I sent her a message explaining that while I'll never really know why she decided to randomly drop me, I'm glad she's safe and always here for her if she decides to come back. Hours later I came back to Discord to find her deleting every single message she ever sent me. She knew I loved to reminisce and re-read our conversations. I begged her to stop as it was all I had left of her. But no response. I finally just sent a simple “why”. Then for the first time in 3 months she spoke, which I will recite here verbatim:

“You violated my boundaries by harassing my colleagues and made an already difficult time in my life that much more stressful. I went quiet for a fucking reason. But I don’t trust you anymore so I don’t feel comfortable sharing. I really did enjoy speaking with you but you soured those memories by invading my privacy and violating my trust. You have successfully chased me off the internet. I will be deleting all my socials, including the site you first messaged me on. My friends, family and colleagues have been informed to stay away from you. If you care for me even a shred you will leave me alone and respect my wishes. I hope you do care, what happened today really fucking hurt me. Goodbye.”

For some god forsaken reason she didn’t immediately block me. And I took the opportunity a half hour later giving a much longer response, explaining myself. That I thought she was fucking DEAD. That she clearly didn’t value me at all. That she should have just told me when she needed a break. That she PROMISED me she would. That all of this could have been avoided with a simple “something happened, you won’t hear from me for a long while”. That I didn’t want to do any of this. That I only went as far as I did because I cared about her, and that I truly didn’t give a fuck if she was romantically involved with someone else or wanted to drop things sexually and just be buddies. And that she hurt me. She hurt me in the worst possible ways mentally and physically. And I have not recovered from it. I told her she didn’t deserve a person like me to support her. 

She actually did apologize. She unsent her angry message which I take as sort of a sign of remorse. She said she was sorry for the worry, sorry for the hurt, that she hopes I find the right person for me, that this isn’t the first time she’s disappeared on a friend and that she won’t change. It’s who she is. I apologized too for invading her privacy and saying I might have gone a little too far, but only because I thought she was dead. Like the dumbass I am, I said I forgave her. And she said she wasn’t upset anymore either, but had to go. I got a “bye-bye” and that was it. We went our separate ways. I unfriended her so I wouldn’t be tempted to message her, and unsent every inquiry that I had mailed. I called off the search. It was over. 

You never truly know someone. I really thought I was her friend and that she really wanted to build things up between us. That I was hers. I thought we had something special and would work towards bettering ourselves together. But I didn’t even warrant a single “hey sorry I can’t get back to you in a while”. Not even that, ANYTHING to know she wasn’t dead. I would be upset too if I learned someone went behind my back and was searching for me every turn, talking to others trying to locate me and asking if they'd seen me. I specifically avoid social media for this reason, and there are 0 photos on the internet of me. I get it. People value others not digging too deep into their lives or struggles. 

But when we were THIS involved, I feel as if what she did was utterly cowardly, insulting, and shameful. I knew she was a particularly prideful woman. It’s what drew me to her and why our dynamic worked so well. But what she did was cruel. And I am still hurting weeks later because of it. I thought closure would at least let me sleep. I thought we’d talk it out more, instead I got a cold “sorry I won’t change bye”. And that would be fine mind you. I do not expect people to change for me. People are who they are. But she led me to believe she was different. She told me she was different. And she owed me much more than that. I do not think she truly recognizes the damage she has done. 

According to her I’m a “Stalker” apparently. That’s what she thinks. Probably what her friends think. That’s what multiple people reading this will think. From the moment she learned I was contacting her friends searching for her, despite hours and hours of trusted conversation and bonding, she immediately thought I was some malicious devil who was out to invade her space and do harm with her personal and private information. I didn’t plaster her face on a fucking billboard with “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS WOMAN?”. I didn’t contact her family members even though I could have. I knew she had a history with them. I didn’t even say her name when searching for her, just pointed her out in public photos and asked people if she looked familiar and knew her. I respected her space as much as I could. 

In hindsight I obviously would have done many things differently. I would not have messaged as many people as I did. I only did so because nobody seemed to care. I would have taken extra steps to ensure that she didn’t know I was looking for her and get her all spooked. And her longest gap in posts on the art website we frequented was 5 months. Looking back I maybe should have waited that long. 6 more weeks. Then started the search. I’m sure I’ll get very “supportive” responses to this. “Well it sounds like she really needed to take care of  her mental health. You shouldn’t have pestered her.” Before you say that, have you considered for one second that unexplained disappearances without any closure takes a severe toll on MY mental health? Was she EVER really going to come back to me even if I waited forever?

I have severe depression, ADHD, anxiety and abandonment issues. But my sorrow right now isn’t even about any of that. I've been ghosted before. Dozens of times. By all manner of people. Friends, professional relationships, family. Some people I can tell aren't really down, or throw some hints my way that they need a break. Some just vanish into thin air and you never hear from them again. That's all fine, I truly don't give a fuck. People come and go. Everyone is busy, nobody has an obligation to keep in regular touch and you can disappear whenever you want. Years even. I don't care if someone says to my face that they want to stop all contact, or if they want to go ahead and randomly block me. I'II take the fucking hint and move on. It’s life. And just an FYI because I hate people on Reddit who claim they’re “ghosted” after a day with no response, or after a person tells them to their face they’re not interested. You’re not ghosted. They told you straight up. Take the hint. 

But there was no hint of this. The opposite. She made me believe I was hers. When you make a promise with someone you are romantically and sexually involved with to keep in regular contact and tell them they'll hear from you in TWO DAYS, you get back to them in two days. And if you can't or miss the opportunity? Tell them when you get the chance. End of discussion. It’s common sense and basic courtesy. And she was great at this. She was an excellent communicator, which makes this all the more shocking. I will never know her true reason for leaving. It sure as shit didn’t have to do with school, her semester had ended and she just had to finish up her essay. It wasn’t family, she’s alone with just her mom and dog. Whatever happened I am truly fucking sorry. But unless all her fingers fell off and her mouth was wired shut, there’s no reason why she couldn’t have reached out in 3 months  with a heads up. It takes less than 10 seconds. Not even. Apparently I don’t warrant that. No, she would rather leave the internet entirely than ever speak to me again. And as far as her friends and family are concerned I’m that “crazy stalker” of hers that’s the reason why she’s not as social anymore. 

I’m not a stalker, I’m not an obsessor, I’m not a constant worrier and despite my aforementioned mental troubles I have ALWAYS pulled through. But man, this hurt me. I have never felt more alone than I do now. She violated MY trust and I don’t want to trust again. My physical health has declined as well. I cannot get a grip without thinking about it. I still held out hope one day that she’ll come back to me, and talk things out more, realize what she lost in me and just generally make things better. But she deleted her Discord exactly 2 weeks after our final messages. So obviously she is either sticking to her word and completely done online, or is starting over on other platforms away from me where I can’t find her. She’s probably forgotten all about me. I shouldn’t give a shit. I don’t care that things ended between us. I care that things ended like this. From one single message that apparently was too much for her to bear, and caused me to tread down a path that I didn’t even want to tread. It’s just not right.

Take care of your friends. You don’t know how lucky you are to have people care about you. Tell them what’s going on in your life if you need a break. It takes 10 seconds. Value those who would search for you if one day you disappear unwillingly or fall victim to something. They do it because they care about you, not because they are obsessed and need to know your every move day and night. And to those reading guilty of vanishing on close friends without a trace, just know how badly your actions can hurt. I can only equate the pain to a very slow, very mundane, very quiet existential worthlessness that weighs down on your bones and makes you unable to move or breathe right. To the few good people on reddit and to the noble people who helped me actually get closure, you have my sincere gratitude. Goodbye.