my (25f) fiance (30m) left me and i’m falling apart

trigger warning; i’m gonna mention alcohol issues.
thank you for anyone who reads this. i need to share how i’m feeling with other people.

i can’t even begin with the mixed feelings i’m feeling and how much this hurts. we lived together for a year, been together for two, our families were close, we had animals together, plans for the future. i met him in a very strange place in my life where i used destructive behavior to cope with the pain. he did too, still does. i have been healing from that on my own but he himself doesn’t think he has a problem.

maybe this will sound ridiculous to you, but he was such a gentle soul, someone who took care of me in a way no one ever has, loved me and reassured me constantly. he remembered the details, the things i loved, he told me we would never break up and that we were forever. he was fun, smart, kind, so precious to me despite everything.

we have been fighting about him staying out late, not coming home when promised, coming home drunk too often or even bringing people at 3am into our shared space (not as often but still happening).
he told me he can no longer take it and that he is unhappy. that this is not it and not the life he wants, despite putting a ring on my finger.

what hurts me also is the confusion i’m feeling. i have tried to be a good partner, but i have an OCD and anxiety and i couldn’t always control my reactions to his behavior or even to my own issues. he told me i was nagging him too much and i believe i have. I keep thinking maybe if i have been better, he wouldn’t have left. but at the same time, he decided his lifestyle wasn’t something he could change for the sake of the marriage. he told me it’s him and not me and i don’t entirely believe in that. i wish he had told me he was thinking about the break up, i wish we could sit down and tried one more time.

how do i heal from this, how do i heal from the fact that the person who told me would never leave me did in fact leave me? how do i trust anyone ever again? it felt so genuine.

i feel so confused. i feel hurt, betrayed, i feel so much regret and guilt too. i close my eyes and see his eyes and feel his strong touch. i’m moving to a small studio apartment with the cat and the dog and we will be alone. i don’t know how to deal with any of this.