dinner is tsukemen, and a long post ahead :(

I'm starting my last year of college and I feel significantly behind my peers in every way possible. If you met me irl you'd probably think I'm just some lousy highschooler and not anywhere over the age of 20. The friends I've made at the start of my undergrad have gone through all sorts of glow ups and integrated well with the college community and I feel like I haven't changed or discovered myself in a meaningful way and my time is running out. 

It doesn't help that my family keeps perpetuating the fact that I haven't changed a bit while I'm actively watching my younger siblings mature at faster rates. Like one time my mom asked how old my roommates were and when I told her they were only a year older than me, she couldn't believe it because they seemed more like adults than I could ever be. 

Is it my looks? My demeanor or my hobbies?  I'm not smart and I don't look smart, I'm not pretty and I don't look pretty either. This makes me stick out like a sore thumb given the fact that I somehow go to one of the top universities in the nation. 

It's one thing to be wary of people on social media leading these lavish and fulfilling lives, and it's a totally different thing being surrounded by the same kind of people every single day on campus. I realize this after I've kinda drifted along for 3 years, and now I feel ashamed even going outside these days. Like I'm potentially warding off future employers too because, be honest, nobody would ever give a chance to someone who doesn't even look responsible enough to hold a job. And I have a job! I'm fortunate that it's 100% remote because if my supervisor or coworkers ever met me in person I don't think I would've gotten hired.  

I really do want to make the most out of my last year and I want to feel and look like my age, that I'm even considering going out to buy and learn how to do makeup this weekend. Yeah, at the ripe age of 21. I guess I also need more mature clothes too, but I can't internally justify any of this because I grew up with a poverty mindset (think dumpster diving on holidays). We're much better off now but even still, I find myself sacrificing my appetite in exchange for justifying purchases.   

I can't believe im crying and losing hours over this but I haven't gone to a single class since the semester started this week. I've been thinking about just lying to people saying that im a transfer or whatever just to give off the impression that i totally didn't waste 3 years on 0 personal growth. 


4th year of college and I still feel like a kid