Couldn’t go to the funeral of an elderly relative.

I had to miss a funeral for a distant-ish relative, and I was obviously really sad about it and felt very guilty because I truly tried to go, and I needed to pull an all nighter as to go, due to how far away it is and how I would need to get ready as to be picked up by another family member early in the morning as to be driven there. Basically, I have c-ptsd, that I’m in therapy for and I am doing a lot better, but due to a threat from my abusive family (not this family since this family is on my good parents side) who I have no contact with, I have been doing worse since then but it’s something my therapist and I are working through.

However, due to my ptsd, I’ve learned as to not risk missing any important event in the morning, I pull an all nighter purposely, especially if I have to get ready for it mentally and do my makeup etc. Since then I don’t risk going to sleep and having a horrible trauma related nightmare and basically being out of commission that morning due to how triggered I am. I know it’s not healthy, especially since I barley sleep the other days due to my trauma induced insomnia and then hypersomnia due to burnout etc, so I do sleep very little and when I do sleep it usually isn’t good sleep. It’s something that’s been going on for over 10 years, first due to the abuse and they loved using sleep deprivation as to punish me, and then since I escaped to my other family, it’s been due to trauma and it’s taken more than 7 years as to actually get help for my trauma by professionals.

And I tried to do the same this time, but I had already pulled an all nighter the same week for a similar reason, emotionally I was doing very badly for multiple reasons and I have a lot of pain in my body that has been getting worse recently, so not sleeping was truly harder than usual. I was supposed to wash my hair, but I genuinely couldn’t because I was so scared I was going to collapse in the shower due to how tired I am and how much my body hurts. I literally brought new clothes for this funeral, and I wanted to attend as to show my support and care for the family, and I feel so guilty. I choose sleep rather than being there for my family, even if I wasn’t or am close to the deceased or his immediate family, I still do love them. It also sucks because seeing this side of my family, even with how wonderful they all are and I don’t have any trauma from them, it still is hard due to how my other side of my family on my estranged fathers side caused me to have so much trauma to the point where I’m triggered by even being with normal family on my mom’s side.

I had barley slept that week already, my body couldn’t handle it and with my mental health from other things, I just couldn’t go even when I tried. I chipped my tooth due to how I was stumbling and just decided to go to sleep, hoping that I would be able to just take a power nap since I needed so many hours as to get ready not only as to do my makeup, my hair etc, but to mostly mentally prepare myself and not get stressed since me being stressed when getting ready can cause me to be more easily triggered.

It feels like this is such a stupid excuse. And I wish that if I had to miss it, I could have at least had a cold or something as to justify it in my head because then I wouldn’t be allowed to go out of the respect and fear of all my other elderly relatives who will be there with lowered immune systems.