Tired of alcoholic mothers excuses

/ TW drugs , alcohol , abuse , triggering content

I (23f) have an alcoholic mother- actually both my parents are alcoholics but they’re seperate and I’m currently in my mother’s household, dad is irrelevant to this vent.

We BOTH have BPD, C-PTSD, ADHD, Autism spectrum disorder, anxiety issues- basically we are not well mentally. Shitty ass genetics, cycles of abuse, ect ect…

I recognised my problems, got therapy, got medicated, and actively work every single day to be a better person and approach problems in my life with the mindfulness skills I’ve learnt in DBT (therapy for BPD) I’ve been doing this for 6 years and I’ve made amazing progress.

My mother comes from a time where this wasn’t understood or accepted so she doesn’t really think therapy works, she distrusts medications from bad experiences with the few she has tried (personally think she didn’t give a fair go to the last few…) she is totally unmedicated untreated and has effected her whole family with this- the abuse and neglected this caused me in my childhood is why I ended up developing BPD too (caused by childhood abuse)

I don’t hate my mother- quite the opposite- I love her so much, it hurts so fucking bad that I’ve made all this progress- and I beg her to believe me when I say it helps… And she just doesn’t believe it will-

She has fallen in to self medicating with weed and alcohol, all her life.

I fully admit she has made progress from her worst… But the bar is so low that progress is that she only drinks ONE bottle of wine A NIGHT… EVERY NIGHT. It’s a change from blackout drunk every other night hanging off me crying telling me traumatising shit only a therapist is qualified to handle- but it’s still obviously utterly unhealthy and not a productive coping mechanism.

All this may seem so cruel to say but I’m 23, I’ve been dealing with this shit literally all my life. My mother has been using me as a therapist well before you should EVER tell your child such horrified things, I even think being a teenager is way too young to vent to a child let alone as a 5 year old- honestly maybe it’s NEVER ok to vent to your child about such serious shit- again… that’s something you tell a professional.

But that’s the thing.

She literally refuses to see a professional. She says she doesn’t think it will help, she doesn’t believe in it really, she doesn’t understand what it could even do for her.

It makes me want to slam my head repeatedly into the wall- I’ve TOLD her I’ve EXPLAINED to her, that it can even just be venting there horrific things you keep saying to your children to a professional, you could start there and work up to engaging with DBT if you wanted-

DBT is proven as THE most effective therapy for BPD, something she struggles with deeply… But again just doesn’t really believe in it.

I fully admit, it won’t really ‘work’ if you don’t want it to work… Not because it’s bullshit- but because you have to actively WANT to change and make that really hard effort to not react the way you want to automatically act- you have to WANT TO give enough of a shit to stop yourself, stand back, process the situation and work out with your therapy teaching instead- it won’t work unless you want to change because you are the only one who can change yourself… She is utterly not in that mindset at all and refuses therapy.

She tells me she gets so anxious and upset if she doesn’t drink at night, she says it just works for her, she doesn’t want medication, this is her medication ect- It’s true all those things happen- but you know what I think…?

I think maybe you should seek healthy professional treatment for such issues instead of continuing to just be an alcoholic- being an alcoholic is extremely unhealthy. Even if you’re no longer getting blackout drunk and traumatising the fuck out of your family with falling asleep in the driveway crying anymore-

I am not comfortable when she’s drunk, at the end of the bottle she starts to laugh and say horrible traumatic things and vent to me again. It’s not as bad as it is when she’s totally drunk but it’s uncomfortable. I leave, I go back to my room, I don’t want to be around her.

She needs serious professional help but there is literally nothing I can do. She is lucid, not in psychosis, she is a 50 year old adult woman. She has to want to help herself.

I don’t know what she wants me to say when she counts off all the excuses she’s made for being an alcoholic and how it’s ok bc therapy is bad and medication is bad. I literally have to tip toe around saying my true thoughts, I try to gently pepper in my true thoughts as much as I can but they are swiftly refuted, or get a crack of clarity where she admits she does have an issue… But is doing it anyway.

She has no money tonight and wants me to buy her alcohol. If I say no she won’t sleep, will freak out, panic attacks, throw up, cry, ect ect. I fucking hate myself for fuelling her addiction but it’s not going to be solved over night by refusing to buy an alcoholic their alcohol. I’ve made it clear how I feel which lead to me getting annoyed and writing this…

I said as gently as I can I still think she needs to seek professional help for this, she said her usual piece. My silence speaks volumes.

It’s not going to be fixed overnight saying no will only cause so many problems.

All I can do is keep gently pushing her to trust therapy and consider giving medication another go.

Lexapro has been my bestie for 8 years, and my younger sibling has found the same success. I really think if she accepted side effects are normal at first but clear up, she might find it works considering two of her children are stable on it.

But only she can do that.