i had flashbacks of being forcibly kissed while with my current bf, how do i handle this?

this happened a few hours ago, and i can’t sleep due to thinking about it.

a few hours ago, my current bf and i were getting intimate with each other. i was heavily dissociated before and after. i started zoning out while my neck was being kissed and i froze. i normally don’t do that. then i started shaking really badly. i had very vivid flashbacks of being kissed forcibly by my ex. in that situation with my ex i felt like i could never say no to him. he ( my current bf ) wasn’t trying to force himself onto me or anything. he would never do that. but in that moment i completely froze and freaked out. i was honestly not quite sure why, but i think it was due to being so heavily dissociated.

i’ve dealt with alters or other people surfacing in my head before. it’s very new to me still and i don’t deal with them surfacing that much ( at least by themselves ) and it’s very rare that they do surface by themselves. but in that moment, my memory was very vivid and my identity was very blurry. i felt like i barely knew who i was. i could recall my name, but it honestly didn’t feel familiar at all. but i don’t know if i was actually me or if i wasn’t. i have a really hard time telling and understanding that.

i was trying to talk to my boyfriend the best i could while being so dissociated, but i was so freaked out and scared that it was kind of hard to properly. i kept on apologising and saying i didn’t know why that memory surfaced. i guess in that moment i didn’t want to be kissed or be intimate. i know it lands on me to say no, but it’s kind of hard when you’re out of your body and mind and physically freeze up. i felt like i didn’t know where i was, even though i knew deep down i was in my room.

my boyfriend just left early and said goodnight. to him, i was comparing my ex to him. he knows how bad my dissociation is, but i’m not sure if it matters if i was different or not. this never happens though which is why i’m also so freaked out still. how would you go about talking about this ? i don’t even remember most of the conversation we had.