Almost 3 weeks post discard and my PTSD is debilitating..

So it’s been 3 weeks pretty much since my pwBPD discarded me, iced me out and blocked me everywhere, after he had done many severe abusive things to me. I have just felt numb pushing through at work and life for the past few weeks, but now I feel my level of depression, anxiety and stress peaking.

The nightmares, cortisol spikes when waking up, the hollowness from feeling like they’ve just taken the life from you. The grief of knowing that you’re really done this time, paired with the grief that the person who “loved” you can’t even see clearly to grasp just how much they’ve abused you and the damage they’ve caused to you. Just how much it’s altered my brain, my relationship to love, trust, sex and emotional safety.

It was so bad, bad enough that I don’t feel I’ll ever tell the full story to anyone.. and between the cognitive dissonance and mind fracture from knowing Jekyll and Hyde. I genuinely am SO scared of him now and would really struggle to let him near me again, even though I’ve loved and cared for him for so long.

Nothing feels real, my brain is attacking itself with all sorts of self doubt, gaslighting and just a reality that is split in 2 that makes absolutely no sense. I just started a new job and my birthday is in 3 days, I should be my happiest and I was.. (which Ironically led to the discard) but I’m struggling to keep myself going.

I think what makes it worse is that he groomed me to have a false sense of security, to make me believe that he cared about me, my life and how much trauma I had also personally been through. Knowing that I’m an autistic girl, with no family or real support system. I just want to feel safe with myself again😣