Postpartum rage / depression

I’m at a point where my baby’s scream/ cry ( he’s colicky) triggers an insane rage that I’ve never felt before and it makes me have thought of hurting him or myself to make it stop. ( I would never actually hurt him) then when I snap or yell I feel mom guilt so bad.. like I am failing as a parent. Overall I feel very unmotivated and burnt out everyday I barely have the energy to take care of myself or any of my responsibilities outside of my son… I’m torn on if I should just get a pen and smoke a bit to try and chill out ( I’m not longer breastfeeding) or if I need to go on lexpro.. but I’m scared of becoming completely numb and checked out of life like I was when I was on sertraline a few year back and losing my libido as well… no one in my support systems seems to really grasp the severity of the end of my rope that I’m at and all kind of chuckle and dismiss me when I say I’m feeling rage.. it’s very isolating being a stay at home mom with a colicky baby that will literally scream for hours… any advice ? Or anyone who has tried either ??