we put my 14 year old childhood dog down today.

this is the worst grief and sadness i have ever felt in my entire life. words can’t even describe how i feel. all i can think about is how she felt. did i hold her enough in that moment? was she scared? did we do the right thing? what if it wasn’t time? what if she wasn’t ready yet?
all these questions and what ifs just keep running through my mind. i just keep replaying those final seconds in my head. the vet was very nice and explained everything to us. explained that she wouldn’t feel any pain. she did a tiny yelp right before and i just keep hearing that over and over. what if she did feel pain? what if she thought we were being bad to her? i just can’t stop thinking about how she felt in those final moments. i wish we could of done it at home.
but we hugged on her. kissed her. petted her before and as she went.
i have never felt a sadness like this before. she was my bestfriend. and now she’s just…gone? why can’t dogs live longer. i’d give years off of my life to give her more. it’s so unfair that i have to miss her for longer than i got to love her.
if you stayed this long, read this far, thank you for listening.