i feel like giving up this time

tw suicidal ideation self-harm rape sexual assault
super haba im sorry

di ko na alam gagawin ko, i feel like i'll take my life in the upcoming days unless something can stop me. jhs pa ako nagsstruggle sa mental health ko pero naipon lang lalo mga problema na pinapasan ko mula early 2025.

when i was 17 i got raped through coercion by a classmate that was courting me. i trusted him so hindi agad nagsink in as assault. blamed myself kasi (1) hindi makalaban, i was in fawn response kaysa sa fight/flight na ineexpect ng iba; and (2) i consented sa sex a month later, which i figured na hypersexuality lang as a coping mechanism. when i finally rejected pinagpalit ako agad and pinamukha na katawan lang habol sakin, pinagmayabang pa sa ibang tropa. i felt i was going insane lalo kaklase ko pa so araw-araw makikita. may times na naging pangit ugali ko which di ko naman jinajustify pero ang hirap if walang willing umintindi sa perspective mo bc shit is rly complex. i opened up sa circle ko pero slowly naging distant kami and eventually had a fallout, nag-snitch din yung isa kasi bff nung bago. i left our gc for space kaso binackstab ako. i opened up to my other friends pero pinaringgan ako ng circle sa socmed saying na i was “talking shit," pinapalabas na pavictim ako for saying the shit theyve done (with proof lol), mocking me everytime they knew i was in pain. talked to few ppl about my assault and all i got are "bakit hindi nireport/nagsabi/lumaban" or "bakit nagstay," may nagbiro pa na "ginusto ko naman." i had to heal all by myself. i cut off most of my shs batch pero every now and then nagrereachout pa rin mga boys tas inaasar ako sa rapist kong tropa nila. parang biro lang sa kanila lahat ng dinanas ko.

i moved to manila for college and i was happy bc of the new environment kaso i always get flashbacks so i started engaging in hookups, not bc i wanted a "landi/hoe phase" but akala ko if i involve myself with other men i would forget him temporarily. sometimes id drink alone in my room, aayain mga tropa mag-inom, and eventually picked up cigarettes kahit ive always hated them. i wonder if totoo bang "sober" ako from self harm since 2023 (before i relapsed recently) when all this time i just switched between addictions. i stopped the hookups and talked to another guy hoping for smth serious na. i became vulnerable w/ everything from the start (knew him since shs so it was easier) but just got disapponted. akala mo iintindihin ka na pero ipaparanas lang yung ibang pinagdaanan mo na. i feel so unloveable, i only think ppl like me for my body/what i do for them, not for who i am. im so sick of this cycle of trusting people, them breaking your trust, and having to fix everything alone.

im not emotionally close w ANY family member and my parents stigmatize mental health. everything is reduced to "sensitive weak generation," even implying na mental disorders arent real and shouldnt be considered pwd, when i told my relatives na psychology gusto kong career tinawanan ako ng isa kasi "tagagamot lang ng baliw sa manda." bunso ako sa pamilya so any family-related problem eh brushed off kasi mas matanda = palaging tama. sa friends naman, natatakot ako kasi i feel im too much to handle. dahil rin sa nangyari dati na baka mapagod sila't magsawa. baka iexpect nila na madali lang umusad, na kapag hindi ka naka-get over agad eh iisiping "gusto ko mga problema ko." and lately i feel excluded o baka sadyang mas close talaga sila sa other friends nila. ppl say help is always available but sometimes it doesnt really feel that way, it still depends on the circumstances.

you know what ppl in the internet say—kesyo "you deserve what you tolerate." deserve ko ba talaga 'to? ppl fail to realize na you can be manipulated, na para bang just bc you cant break off from something agad eh ginusto mo na agad. it's hard to open about the sexual stuff since taboo rin saka stereotype na kapag nakipag-fubu ka saglit eh "for the streets" or "cheater" na agad. if i tell people that all i wanted is to be loved and understood and they found out about that, wouldnt they say na di ko talaga deserve mahalin? i feel dirty and worthless

i tried to book an appointment sa pgh w/o my parents knowing but it's scheduled for january 2027 pa. baka mauna pa ako magpakamatay kaysa malaman kung anong mali sa akin. paano ako magkokonsulta privately kung estudyante lang ako na asa sa baon saka hindi ko rin mahihingan magulang ko for money pang-private kasi nga close-minded sa ganito. di ko alam kung papayagan ako magtrabaho kasi pinapag-aral naman na daw ako so "i dont have to worry." sa ust naman may mga nagsasabi na dagdag hassle kasi per sem need mong maclear ng psych bago ma-enroll. i havent looked into ncmh (pero rinig ko kasi 15 mins lang consult) and other free services. i really want a diagnosis idk what the fuck is wrong w me

ive already fucked up my life and im only 19. im starting to feel like im beyond saving, na it's better if i end it all. im tired of being a burden. sayang lang ginagastos ng pamilya ko sakin, pinag-aaral ako sa isa sa mga top univ dito tapos baon ko pinangpupunta sa kung saan-saan o pinangbibisyo. kala ko okay lang basta hindi maglalaslas pero ginawa ko naman ulit. i feel so guilty for living, parang di worth it pinaghihirapan ng tatay ko para lang sa anak na tulad ko. im only successful academically but other than that ive just grown into a huge failure. if they find out about everything theyll know how much of a disgrace ive become