I wish I could just disapeare

I'm 21M

I always had this feeling something is off,

at the age of 12 I started thinking about my past and realised I remember nothing and from then on I kept thinking about it and remembering things

I remembered my mother strangling me twice

I remember how nothing I ever did made my father proud

never been loved by them

I remembered the day I was raped by my teacher

and remembering those things kind of explained that empty feeling I always had never really cared about my future or about anything really

I wish I have never decided to think about my past that day ever since then I never found joy in anything

I have been with this girl for 6 years now

she knew I was fucked up she said she still loves me although I never believed her and never loved her myself I just don't know what that looks like or feels like

I just did things that I thought would make her happy and that's about it

and today we broke up

she was the only reason I didn't kill myself, I used her as a way to keep me away from suicide I knew it wouldn't last but kind of hopped it would last longer than it did