I feel like I have no other choice but to never transition

Sorry, last post like this…

I can’t tell what I hate or like anymore, I wish I could just become a cis guy but that’s not possible. I’ve been saying and feeling this for years but it just keeps coming back, I keep getting thoughts that I do like being a girl, when that’s not what I want. I’m scared that at some point these thoughts are even intrusive. For example, when I sing or speak(often to test myself) I’m afraid I like my own voice and I really do think it sounds nice but it upsets me that it does, and I still prefer to sound like a guy. Every time I notice my voice it just feels wrong and I want to rip my throat out, if I was a cis man, I would be a singer by now but I’m not, I can’t stand how my voice is… I think usually I can accept I hate my voice but I get random urges to see if I “really hate it”. Because I get scared maybe I feel like a man’s voice wouldn’t fit me or I’m faking it.. I would give anything to sound like a man though… as for other parts, I can’t tell if my intrusive thoughts about secretly wanting to be a girl when I’m just attracted to a woman are really intrusive, I don’t want to be a woman but I don’t really seem to have a choice in that. I used to have less bottom dysphoria too, but now I’m incredibly disgusted by my own genitals…. My chest scares me too but at the same I find it attractive and I hate that I feel that way, I don’t want to like it. My face… sometimes I think I look like a girl and that makes me upset but other times I’m so deluded I’m convinced I just look like a feminine cis man as a way to cope…. I can’t stand being a woman, I can’t stand living like this, I feel trapped. I don’t really have dysphoria, I just wish I did so I could allow myself to transition. Im upset that my body is female and that it exists in this way… I either force myself to look at my body to see if I really hate it or I avoid it completely because im afraid I’ll be used to it. Which apparently that makes it sound like I just wanna be trans, I don’t, I just want to be a guy, I can’t imagine myself being a woman and being happy. why couldn’t have I just been born a man so all this wouldn’t matter? Every man I see just fills me with anger, why do they get to be that way and they take it for granted while I have to suffer as a gender I don’t want to be with no way out? I wish people could choose their brain structure along with their body, this isn’t fair. I attempted so many fucking times because I thought I would never be a man yet I’m still stuck, I wish I could at least feel like a man so I wouldn’t be so miserable all time…. I swear my “symptoms” change everyday, sometimes this just happens and I don’t know how to deal with it… I’m clearly not a real guy but I’m so upset I’m not