The desire to let go

So quick story short I’m male 20 years old from Greece I discovered this kink in my puberty when I noticed I had a desire to stuff pillows under my shirt and make myself look fatter. I don’t know it at the time but this was the beginning of this journey fast forward to early teens I tried to mimic the girls I saw online even though I was a boy. I like watching petite girls get fat and burn all the time watching burb compilations. I was pretty skinny at the time and I couldn’t seem to gain any weight as I was participating in sports. Years past I knew this is what a I wanted. Tried to find a feede but it’s pretty rough here in Greece and then in my first relationship I gained a lot of weight all of a sudden. I was a regular gym guy and I tried to put on some muscle haha. I loved the belly I loved everything about it but I lost all the fat dropping from 110 to 90 kgs. One year later I’m in the same weight but more mascular and I still have visible abs but I just wanna finally let go get fat get disgusting burb and be praised for it. My dream is that i find a mutual partner who is willing to get really fat and get me fatter I love this idea and I wanna experience this