I am embaressing.

I feel so embaressed when I reach out to my ex now, 6 years known them for about 9. Had all the conversations you'd expect. This was also my longest realationship, and it was super toxic in the beginning on both sides, im pretty shameful for the things ive done, i always apologized and let him take out his anger on me the next couple of days

Anyways. I was in love. And not in the sense that everything was amazing and perfect. Shit was hard but we had deep convos that i was his best friend, that we were gonna make it, and I ate that shit up. I believed it until now. Im literally so embaressing because I cannot help to tell him how i feel in the moment. Like, if I miss something or if im upset that he looks at everything so negatively when everything was actually looking up for us the past couple of months. I thought I have a partner in crime, a best friend.

Im not saying his mind cant change or that his feelings aren't valid. It just blows my mind how someone switches up so fast when there wasint clear signs.

If I noticed something was off id ask and he would say "im fine" "we are good" and even though I didint quite believe that i could just pester all day about it. And some days I would. Turns out he checked out awhile ago.

How the fuck do i forget this 6 year thing? And us being friends for even longer. Im picking up my phone and embaressing the hell out of myself and need advice or maybe if someone has some type of thing that works for them. I am actively going crazy. I just work and come home. Ive thought about dating but being upfront that I am not looking for anything. That I am not available emotionally just so I can feel something other than grief and anger. But I also know thats not good so idk. I also dont like to pester people about breakup stuff, its happened so many times in this realationship I dont even feel the need to tell people, they know.