I have a problem I'm ashamed of admitting

I didn't really think I had a problem till I stopped to think about how I felt afterwards. I was in the bathroom when I saw those gross earwig things. Instead of just squishing it and moving on, I grabbed a big bottle and dropped it on it's back half to crush half of it. I wanted to watch it struggle, I wanted to know if it knew it was dying, if it was scared, how long it would live for under my control. I picked the bottle back up cause I wanted to see if it would be able to crawl away. It did and I redropped the bottle so it's back half would be fully crushed; unfortunately I dropped it further than I wanted and fully killed it. I felt very disappointed afterwards because I killed it to soon.

Not to long after I wanted to do the same thing to something else. But I started thinking on it longer, it's not the first time I've done this either. Small bugs like ants, I'd drown them in small water droplets cause I could see them struggle. When I was 6 I would go outside with a blacklight and machete then searched for scorpions. I'd find them, cut the tails off, and just watch them.

I imagine doing the same things to something bigger, but I'd never do it to animals cause that's just mean. People would call me a monster. I had thoughts and urges to overpower and hurt people, but I know I wouldn't because of laws. I've had dark urges for a long time but never truly started to listen to them till recently.

I know I wouldn't do such things cause I would get in trouble. But if there weren't consequences, I would.