Do I genuinely just need to give up on the idea of caring and being cared about?

I have been struggling a lot with making friends and partners, and keeping friends and partners seemingly because I have a belief that relationships take effort.

It feels insane. Its driving me insane. I just get more bitter the more I come up against this wall.

My ex of one year dumped me several months ago with little to no warning or explaination. The dealbreaking events seemed to be that I wanted her to kiss me of her own volition every once in a while, and I wanted her to accompany me to see my folks/friends once every couple months. As far as I can tell, the second I started asking things of her that partners actually do, is when she shut down, refused to communicate, and dipped from the relationship without ever telling me until an hour before I never saw her again.

Now, several months after the breakup, I seem completely incapable of getting a single date or even holding conversations with matches on dating apps which has affected my confidence in-person. I keep trying to figure out what I am doing wrong, but I genuinely cannot figure it out. I ask about their hobbies, try to find common ground, compliment them, talk about my own interests and passions, and even ask them out on dates. All of which get me ghosted.

I am tall, been called fit, and recieve a compliment on my hair or something else every once in a while. So I dont think its looks.

The one piece of advice I KEEP getting that I genuinely just dont understand is to "just stop trying so hard" which feels fucking insane. In most of these cases, if I "dont try too hard", the conversation just dies because the other person never bothers to share any info about themselves or ask me anything about myself.

I get that I shouldnt look desperate, but at no point have I felt like I DO look desperate. I am just genuinely trying to get to know people and my earnest efforts are for some reason a complete turnoff to universally everyone. "Not trying too hard" tells me what I shouldnt do, but I truly do not understand what I SHOULD be doing.

What does a "not trying too hard" conversation even look like? How am I ever supposed to ask someone out in person if I am "not trying too hard"? Isnt the act if asking someone out trying pretty hard? This feels like a game thats impossible to win, but others are somehow doing it just fine.

I fundamentally hate the idea that relationships are made through sheer luck, because no relationship of any kind has ever been effortless for me. Also the idea that I shouldnt get to expect that my partner will put any effort in at all feels so hollow and pointless Id want to cry.