I’m so exhausted (TW)

Hi,

I don’t know what to do and really don’t know where to start. This post may contain triggers and is not really thought through. I’m so sorry to the mods if any rules were broken. But I honestly don’t know where to turn to since no one I know would understand but maybe some of you. I have bipolar type 2, diagnosed five years ago and medicated since. This is probably more like a vent post, get these feelings and thoughts of my chest.

So I basically I’ve had some really stressful and eventful years. These past months have been especially unbalanced (?) BUT without any kinds of episodes. I’ve been thinking about my diagnosis and what not but I guess I today realised that I’m really fucking depressed. I reached a milestone birthday (at least for me) a couple of weeks ago. My oldest friend and I just had a party, and in a room filled with dozens of people I love and a long planned party, I felt no joy. Honestly it felt awful, I just wanted to go home and curl up in my bed.

There’s been a lot at work as well, the preparations for this party and rarely any time for recovery so I guess it’s exhaustion. I can’t stand anyone’s touch, not even my fiance whom I love with all my heart. I get frustrated/irritated so easily and I just hate this part of myself.

Can someone please tell me if they understand me? I feel like such a terrible person and I feel so alone in a room full of people. If anyone has any advice on how to handle this just for the weekend I’d be so happy to take it to heart. To quote my absolute favourite movies (that I’ve watched on repeat this week) “I’m naked in the dark. There’s no veil between me and the fire.”

I would call my psychologist but I just don’t have the energy to. Please don’t fear for my safety, I don’t want to harm myself. Honestly there’s more to add but I just cba to write it all down, the post would go on for miles and miles.

Thank you for reading, I hope you’re feeling much better than I am!