Be human with me

Be human with me
She would say
When I worried about a messy house
Of unfolded laundry
Dishes in the sink
Of clutter or unswept floors.
It doesn’t matter
Be human with me
She said
Be human with me
To show myself?
As I am?
I understood yet I did not understand
I enjoyed the sentiment. Be human. Hm.
Of course
Why can’t I just be human with her?
I love her
She loves me
Just exist
She will still love me
Even if I am not perfect
Because she loves me
So I tried to let go
But clean I still like to be
Messily always unmanaged
So perhaps I began to let go of my perfectly kept emotions
Tuned the filter down a notch or two
Recognized my feelings were allowed
Because you said, be human with you
Be human with you I must,
I thought.
Let go of always holding yourself in
Let go of being perfect!
Or you will lose this beautiful relationship
This wonderful human
This amazing connection
Because you couldn’t be human
I couldn’t fathom the thought of losing you if you were only connected to an idea or image of me
That I couldn’t always be
If you became fed up because I never let you in
Never let go
If you left before you ever even knew me or saw me
So I forced myself
I threw myself against everything I’ve taught myself to resist as long as I’ve known
Against everything life taught me was unsafe
I tried to let myself be human
I tried to let you see me
I tried to just be
To just exist
I was still processing
It was still hard
I was still depressed
But being human felt good
I was still getting there
Slowly
It was a process
A mourning
Of why couldn’t I be human my whole life
Why couldn’t I just be?
With everyone?
She ignited that in me
She lit my fire
But she never knew
Never realized
How much human I was being
How the human in me was in mourning
How the life she showed me and that I wanted brought me so much good
That there was also so much pain to let go in that
That I never fully realized was there or where it was from
She put a beautiful new life in front of me that I wasn’t anticipating
Wasn’t ready for
Until I realized my want for it was so great I had to figure out how to be ready
So I began to mourn
Every version of myself I thought was unworthy
I had to heal
I had to process
I had to be worthy
Be worthy of you
Because when it came to you I went against everything I knew
But that was enough for you
You said you had nothing left to give
By becoming ready for you
I was too much
So now when I think about why you left
I think it’s because I was human with you