This shit is annoying

I'm in my late 20s and I've been anxious and depressed most of my life and it comes and goes sometimes it's pretty bad and other times I almost forget about it. I started self harming about six months ago when it was really bad and I was doing it almost everyday but I've been clean for almost three months and I'm not at risk of relapsing right now but now almost every time I get anxious or nervous or stressed about something my brain instantly jumps to self harm.

I found out I have a water leak and I don't know where or how bad it is but it's stressing me out and when I remember it the little self harm light in my brain comes on and tells me I need to harm myself first then deal with whatever the problem is.

Problems at work, family problems, I feel stupid/embarrassed, other mental problems and the light comes on.

Like I said though I don't want to relapse especially since my spot is healed and you almost can't tell what it was but it's just really fucking annoying that I have this weirdo in my brain telling me I need to do it before I can process my problems.

I think it's because I spent so much time being so anxious and depressed with nothing to do about it in my teens and twenties so now my brain latched on to self harm. It doesn't help that at some point in my late teens my brain decided I needed to knock on wood or the wall or whatever would make the right sound to stop something tragic from happening like someone dying.

I'm just ranting and I could rant for a while I just wanted to get this out there. I don't talk to anyone about it in my personal life. I don't want people to worry.