Well

I’m done.

Felt like the universe gently smacked me in the face today and told me it’s okay to be done with my marriage. 14 years. 3 kids. I have been trying so damn hard for 6 years (he has as well) and somehow, I have felt worse than ever with him lately despite my (and his) efforts.

He said a lot of horrible things to me last night. I almost called into work this morning at 4 am because I’m just drained. I didn’t. Didn’t want to mess up my students schedules and cause problems for them. Ended up telling my students to take an extra long lunch break and I’d see them in an hour and a half.. which is a huge no no for our curriculum.

So I go grab lunch and I’m honestly exhausted, cranky, and just feel like I want to scream and felt like I couldn’t breathe all morning and just genuinely bad.

The woman making my food is super nice and we’re vibing and then she says they get to give away a free meal when they feel like it and said I was kind and cool and she picked me for the day. Super random and maybe small? But my gosh. I told her wow, I’m actually having a really terrible day and this is so kind of you/unexpected and she said “what, really? This is a bad day?”

Here I am trying not to lose it and start bawling while filling my free lemonade that I tried to pay for.. she also said, nah.. on the house. While I simultaneously feel like a gremlin. And have been told for almost two decades a lot of negative things. The only person I loved and tried so hard to impress and be enough for (my husband) thinks I’m a pathetic c*nt and truly can’t stand me… yet I felt more comfortable with this stranger in less than 8 minutes today than I have in 14 years with my spouse.

I’m doing the best I can. I think we all are. Every day trying to be positive and put one foot in front of the other. Do better. Be better. Be kinder. Look out for others more. But damnit. The universe grabbed me by my shoulders this afternoon and said hello!

A free $20 meal was a nice surprise, but for me, so much more than that. Thank you, cava employee. Wish I got your name but I hope you get all of the good karma and kindness in this lifetime. That small gesture was so impactful for me and so needed.

Needed to share so here I am with a burner account. Sending anyone else in a similar situation love and a little smack on the ass from the universe to keep going because you deserve good things. ✨