Wanting to do digital sex work but traumatized part might be influencing me

CW: mention of underage digital SW

A part is struggling with wanting to do digital sex work, which we have done compulsively on and off (due to her) from the ages of >!16/17 (if I remember correctly, hopefully not younger),!< it was bad, every time. I am always in and out mentally, getting into kinks that people ask me to, whatever. It's not a good place for me to be, but she adores it. She adores the attention, the gifts, the income (though it's not been much), etc.

Of course, someone close to me is doing SW again and I'm helping with the production side of it (camera, makeup, set up), and I like it a lot cause I've been in videography from a young age as well. But I'm finding myself pulling more and more towards actual SW. But it's coming at the EXACT same time that a lot of other things are coinciding. So, first thing - I've been pulling towards fem things again a lot, I'm a slightly feminine leaning transgender guy, present mostly as a guy. Being feminine, wanting to wear makeup, dress up, happens with this part of me that has experienced SW before and a lot of sexual trauma. This part also dealt with a compulsion to steal beauty products and things like that, cute stuff, and while I don't do that anymore (thankfully because I would black out and it was terrifying), and the want to just take and have stuff again is hitting me.

I also started a new medication because I have things like skin picking, physical PTSD flashbacks where I can smell things and feel air change, etc. It's a low dose of Latuda, and in addition the body is on its period and I'm pretty sure we have PMDD.

There's so much happening at once I don't know what's causing what and I feel crazy, confused, clumsy, different. But also the same, my usual emotions switching back and forth, perspectives on the same person changing from anger to neutrality, or even appreciation, forgetting feeling another way until I'm hit with the harsh reality when I'm reminded.

And that gnawing, growing urge to do SW again. The income is my number one motivator, it sounds good. I know the trauma that it can cause, I'm the one that warns others of it. But still, there's that itch. The attention is another factor. That makes me think it's more trauma driven than anything.

I don't have a therapist right now, I'm starting a new one soon, but no one specialized in dissociative disorders despite trying for months and months, my psychiatrist pushing for me, nothing.

I don't know if I'm venting or asking for advice. I think advice.

Is anyone else doing digital SW with this kind of trauma/compulsion for attention and need for \*things?\* How do you handle it safely?

(>!I'd also like to mention this part is, I'm pretty sure, stuck at 16 (or so) years old, she's not matured and has a very one track mind, very sex oriented and wanting to be seductive. She grew up with me, then stopped aging at 16.!< )