Paranoia – Fear of Disclosure

I am constantly on-guard and terrified that someone will somehow "discover" what happened to me. I get extremely paranoid that someone will notice behaviors I have and make the connection that I was abused as a child. I don't even know how someone would do that, but it is a constant compulsive thought pattern. I hate the idea of anyone knowing, and viewing me with pity. The idea of people feeling bad for me at all makes me want to hurl. If I have to disclose abuse for some reason, I have to tell people not to say "I'm sorry" because I will just shut down. It's not like I feel that I deserved it or anything, I just can't handle the acknowledgement of my own suffering.

Where does this instinct even come from? I used to be obsessed with being the center of attention and having people feel bad for me, but in the last few years of more and more memories coming back, I can't stand it. I have become the complete opposite of who I used to be. This fear has made me so closed off and agoraphobic, I feel like I'm losing my life to it. Has anyone found a way to cope with the fear? I’m so tired of being lonely and afraid :[