My husband says his physical reactions are “reactive abuse” because I push him until he snaps. Am I the problem? 32F 30M

32F need desperate advice husband 30M
I need genuinely objective perspectives because I don’t trust my own judgment anymore. I don’t want people to automatically validate me because my husband became physical. I want people to tell me if my behaviour is abusive or provoking this dynamic too.

My husband and I have a recurring pattern where I struggle badly with feeling misunderstood and leaving conflict unresolved. If I feel like he doesn’t understand what I’m saying, I keep explaining, questioning and trying to get him to see my perspective.

Today everything blew up.

My husband is currently sick with a chest infection and has been feeling awful.

Earlier today, something seemed wrong with him. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. I asked again. He said nothing was wrong. I asked a third time because I could still sense something was off.
Eventually he got angry and basically said that he’s a “simple man” and if he says nothing is wrong, I need to accept that nothing is wrong and listen to what he’s telling me instead of continuing to question him.

The conversation then turned into him saying that he feels like he’s constantly being hammered and criticised by me and that I don’t listen to him.

I was trying to explain my perspective and why I’d kept asking. The argument escalated and he pushed me.
Afterward, he said he didn’t hit me, he pushed me. He said he didn’t want to do it, but I had made him so angry by repeatedly asking what was wrong and continuing to criticise/push instead of listening.

I asked him why I don’t react physically when he makes me angry. His response was essentially that he doesn’t make me that angry.
He also said that if I don’t start listening, this kind of thing will continue to happen.
Later tonight, I went back to him because I still couldn’t cope with everything being unresolved.

This is where I know I did something wrong.

He told me he didn’t want to talk. He’s sick, he wanted the conversation over and he repeatedly told me I wasn’t listening to that boundary.

But I kept pushing.

I wasn’t trying to make him angry. I was desperately trying to get him to understand what I was saying and acknowledge my perspective. But regardless of my intention, I accept that he explicitly wanted the conversation finished and I wouldn’t let it go.
It escalated again.

During that argument he grabbed me. In the process he caught my earring and my ear started bleeding.

He now believes that this whole dynamic is reactive abuse on his part.
More specifically, he thinks I’m playing a game where I deliberately push and push him after he’s told me to stop, knowing eventually he’ll react, and then once he does I can call him a monster and portray him to other people as abusive.

I went to him afterward and asked whether I should leave.
He basically said that now I’ve pushed him, made him into this monster and played this game, I’ve finally realised I’ve gone too far.

And now I’m genuinely questioning myself.
Because one part of what he’s saying IS true.
I do push conversations.
I do struggle enormously with letting something remain unresolved.
When I feel misunderstood, I can keep explaining myself long after the conversation is productive.

And tonight especially, he clearly told me he didn’t want to talk anymore and I continued anyway. I can see how infuriating and suffocating that could feel.
But the part I don’t recognise is the idea that I’m deliberately trying to make him react.

When I’m following him or continuing the conversation, internally I’m thinking, “Please just understand what I’m trying to say.”
I’m not thinking, “I’m going to push him until he loses control so I can tell everyone he’s a monster.”

I don’t want him to react. I don’t want evidence against him. I don’t want to win. I want resolution and for him to understand my side.

But obviously someone can have good intentions and still behave badly, which is why I’m asking.
Is my inability to stop pursuing an argument when my husband asks me to leave it alone emotionally abusive?
Is this actually reactive abuse on his part?

Can I be responsible for pushing him beyond his emotional limits while he is still responsible for becoming physical?
Or am I minimising how serious my own behaviour is because I know I’m not consciously trying to provoke him?
I’m genuinely open to being told I’m the problem here, or that we’re both contributing to an extremely unhealthy dynamic.

I just need someone outside of our relationship to help me understand where my responsibility ends and his begins.