Weight lifted when imagining being child free

My partner and I are fence sitters. But when I hold the idea that we can be childfree, I feel like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders.

It feels like some gates have opened and I feel more freedom to allow dreams to flood in.. all the crazy and fun things I can suddenly do in life. All the people I can connect with. I wouldn’t have the time with a kid - 20 mins here and there isn’t enough.

Sometimes I think if it really came down to it, and my partner wanted kids and I didn’t and we broke up… I love him an insane much and we have a stellar relationship but… It would even be fun to find a new partner. I love people, I would find new love and companionship.

I think my love for other people and my love for my passions and my love for my partner is just.. enough for me.

I know that Motherhood would create a beautiful inner transformation. It would push me and break me open and I know I’d be deeper for it - deeper highs and lows and I’d probably be in a new mindset, a more meaningful plane of existence. And I’d love my child more than I can comprehend right now. I can feel those wires wanting to activate in my brain.

I’m pretty sure I can get another version of this being child free but it requires a hell of a lot of bravery. For instance, with the added time/energy, I can engage deeply with the world, people, and my own creativity. There’s no forcing function like a child. There’s no clean pathway, you’d have to forge it and then walk it even when it’s so easy to give up (and no one cares if you give up).

For me, if I’m going to be childfree, I want to delve very deeply into my dreams. I want to use all that extra energy and time to grow my skills and connect with people. This world is SO BIG - I think it’s much bigger than I can comprehend and the opportunities are out there. I want to feel like a bright eyed young actress who just stepped into New York, I want to feel the rush of joy at pursuing dreams like maybe Elton John did after writing his 3rd song ever, I want to feel safe in rejection to connect with people and to still take those little chances/efforts/bids for connection it takes to build meaningful friendships and meet people and I want to fall in platonic love with a lot of people. It just takes sooooo sooooo much bravery to build this rich life.

It’s funny looking back at my challenges when I was younger and feeling grateful I feel more prepared for this. I’m really glad I didn’t have too comfy of a life because now I know what I’m capable of. And I’m glad I was “the new girl” at school so many times, which forced me to find ways to be comfortable about making new friends.

I wish I could have all these dreams and also have a kid but I just don’t think it’s realistic. Maybe if I hire a full time night nurse team and maybe if I put my kid in daycare and don’t work a real job. And I’d hire a house cleaner once a week. I have enough savings to do that, but then I’d probably have to work 20 more years than I was planning to. And my partner (soon to be husband) probably would not “approve” of that set up. That’s just me skipping all the hard parts of motherhood and maybe makes the journey less meaningful. It’s me trying to awkwardly fit two versions of myself together, it may just not work and I have to pick.