Can you relate?

Hi people, I had depression with a lot of anxiety and anxious distress, which is usually referred to as anxious depression for almost two years.

It was one of the hardest things Ive ever been through and I want to share some of my symptoms and things that I did and see if some of you guys can relate or if you’ve been through a similar situation as me.

The reason why I got so depressed for so long was because I have panic disorder, I got very stressed about multiple situations at once for months resulting in my brain being overloaded and shutting down.

1. i noticed that I was constantly on edge and I couldn’t feel happiness, I was trying but slowly nothing was fun anymore. All the fun activities and hobbies I knew I loved were suddenly gone and I felt empty.

2. i would wake up crying, getting ready to go to school was exhausting and I was late every day.

3)i don’t remember half of my senior year and i couldn’t study anymore, everything became a chore and all of my actions were robotic.i finished my senior year with a grade of 18 (20 being the highest grade) and i couldn’t remember or understand how i got such a high diploma.

4)I couldn’t eat, i wouldn’t be hungry and I lost 10 kilos, I was nearly underweight and food was not good anymore. I remember just forcing myself to eat and honestly I was just swallowing stuff, it had no taste, I took no satisfaction in eating, it became a chore.i did not realize i was loosing weight up until a family member hugged me and pointed out they can feel my bones.

5)I got UTIs from the lack of nutrients,dehydration and me not being able to take care of myself any longer.

6)for months i couldn’t sleep, I would sleep for 4 to 5 hours, wake up in the middle of the night, see nightmares and then the most bizarre thing happened. I would find myself awake in the middle of the night or early in the morning with the lights on in my room, when I very clearly turned them off before I went to bed. I would find my laptop open and even parts of my clothes (that I was wearing) missing or I would wear things I very clearly remember not having on. I have no history of sleepwalking and no one entered my room.

7)my hair became weaker, I would lose more hair than I was supposed to,i couldn’t get out of bed, sometimes it would take me 4 days to shower and brush my teeth, even brushing my hair became exhausting.

8)I would be in and out of depressive episodes that would last for 2 to 3 weeks, where I would either sleep all day or just cry and be miserable.

9)I didn’t feel like myself, I would look at pictures of myself and I could swear to you, that wasn’t me, I felt weird, alien like, like an animal, I didn’t look human and it didn’t look like me. Also i thought I was very ugly, now looking back at some of these pictures I look just fine and I’m very confused about how I felt so incredibly ugly.

10)too many headaches, I got blood drawn out of me to figure out what was going on with me so many times that I’ve lost count. I would feel cold very easily, my bones and joints were constantly in pain.

11. during my depression I never wanted to end my life, I simply wanted to go somewhere far away that nobody could bother me and I would be in peace away from my problems. I would imagine myself being in beautiful landscapes just being in the sun and sitting with nature where my sadness couldn’t reach me.

It’s been a year since I stopped being depressed and even tho I feel fine sometimes it feels like pieces of it are still with me. It would genuinely make me feel so much hopeful if I knew I’m not alone with my experiences.