will i ever be able to handle a relationship

My whole life I have been a loner and enjoyed doing things by myself because being around people was too MUCH. It brings up feelings of worthlessness that i usually wont feel when im alone. i feel like im not enough when im around people and especially in a romantic relationship. I feel like they are just with me because i seem lost and alone and feel bad for me. I have only had like 2 real longterm partners, longest only being 4 years and im almost 40. So when the rare times i do have a romantic partner i am so out of my depth and drown in my ocean of low self esteem and i end up self destructing because its all too much and i go back to isolating and doing hard drugs. I am also a porn addict and this is the main issue with me. i Love porn. its been 30 years with porn almost every day.

Porn has seeped into every part of my life and rotted it from in the inside and stays and lives off my shame I have aquired from consuming disgusting videos for so many years. I use meth along with porn and it turns me into a fucking pervert. I feel so deep in my addiction, i fear i have gone too far. I had a girlfriend who loved me 6 months ago, like she really loved me and was willing to help me and was okay with me not having much of anything, be it experience or a place to live. I dont have much of a life . i have wasted alot of time and she was okay with building something with me, because she was a addict too and was homeless..

We were homeless together for a few months and both using but she decided it was time to get her shit together and got sober and is doing amazing, and im really proud of her and i wish she would talk to me, but i think she found someone else and i respect that. i would leave her alone to go jerk off in some bushes instead of having sex, because thats how afraid i am of sex and the feeling of worthlessness it gives me when i cant perform because of what porn has done to me.

I cant make her feel pretty, i cant be the man that she deserves. I want to have sex and enjoy it and feel comfortable but i cant i get to much in my head and i have watched to much porn and compare her with porn and its vile and sick and im so broken i feel. She said she would never leave, she loved me so much. But i am a shadow of a man and she turned into a ghost and i am flabergasted and sad and in shock because i thought she really loved me enough to fight my demons with me, alas i sit here alone by the lifeguard tower alone.

I dont think i was ment to be in a relationship and that sucks because i have alot of things id like to do with someone but the internet fucked me up. sorry of the rant

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much going on fo rme