I'm not gay, I'm bi.

Here goes, this is my journey. Strap in (or strap on?), it's a long one. Please be kind to me, even if you are honest. Apologies if this isn't the right subreddit to discuss this. I feel pretty alone with this stuff and I hope I do a good job of explaining it.

I am man and think I'm bisexual. It's something I've thought on and off for years, I told myself I was just gay and self loathing. I even bought a bisexual mug and then got rid of it lol.

I knew I liked men from a young age. I used to draw sketches of men's bodies with abs and beards and hide them in my books. I used to feel funny tingles when I play fought my mates in school. I had this fact locked down from around age 11. I was outed age 12 in a shitty comp school in the UK and the label Gay seemed to make sense at the time. But also because I'm short and a bit fruity. I always felt different, so I thought "that's what gay is". It made sense that I'm gay, it fit the box.

I thought I was maybe attracted to women in a loving way rather than a deep primal way (like with men) in my teens and my female friends just thought I admired them in a "slay gurl" way. I've always been seen as a gay boy.

But I drew sketches of women too. Big tits, curvy waists, skimpy underwear. I showed these ones off in school, it was safe to. But I was still the gay boy, and I played up the stereotype, I think partly as a defence mechanism. It was my armour.

At various points over the years I've been aroused at the thought of being dominated by a woman - kink was something I enjoyed but with men it became increasingly about higher intensity, higher threat level, higher stakes stuff. Until I had a complete breakdown.

I took a huge break from sex at the start of the year and went to therapy. Turns out I was using kink to numb some parts of myself that needed recognition and soothing. Grief, shame, self esteem issues. Go figure.

I never explored how I felt about my sexuality because there was no opportunity to. I was in the gay world, I was a gay man. I'm not raging camp but I'm fruity enough that people clock it.

I'm doing a lot of healing and I've realised that I enjoy sex that feels meaningful now. I use it connect with people rather than switch my brain off, or to scratch a compulsion. I realised I wanted to be attracted to the person behind the sex, I want eye contact, sensuality, I want to give and receive pleasure and love. I want to hold hands and cry. Even with casual hookups, being present with each other and gentle, it feels so nice.

And then it hit me: bodies are hot. Not just male bodies, but female bodies too. Turning someone on is hot, making someone feel safe and protected is hot, letting someone take care of me is hot. Letting someone make me feel safe enough to submit to them is hot. And suddenly my mind is opening up to sharing experiences with all sorts of people, not just hypersexualised ideals of a narrow view of one gender.

And then it hit me again: maybe my own rigidity of what masculinity was, was hurting me. Maybe I felt insecure about my feminine side, and parts of me that aren't hyper masculine. How did I perceive other men who didn't display the same standards I held myself to? Despite seemingly having been liberated by coming out as gay, I was putting myself in all these other boxes and it was harming me.

I'm a work in progress still for sure. But now I feel more comfortable embracing the feminine as well as the masculine, and honestly, I've never felt so whole. I've never felt so affirmed and comfortable, and weirdly never felt so masculine as when I'm wearing skimpy underwear and being called a good boy.

I've realised a bit more who I really am this year, and I was not expecting it in the slightest. But some of those hang ups are still there.

My therapist says there's no true intimacy without vulnerability. So my question being if I did explore, would some women even find me attractive. Would they be okay with a bisexual guy, and not just that, a bisexual guy who is a bit fruity, a big softie and kind of a "short king"?

I guess a blunt answer is probably "some will, some won't".

I guess maybe I'm not really just asking that question, although I could really use some encouragement. Maybe I just want to be seen for who I really am.