41[M4F] Back to the beginning

I want to jump out of this carousel. It's been years and I am grateful for the people I've interacted with but I miss how this used to be when I started. How I used to be when I started. Granted, the reason why I got into these secret activities online was because I was it a weird place emotionally, and although I don't wish to go back into that funk, I do miss the excitement I felt when every conversation with someone who seemed real could lead to a unique, unforgettable adventure and how genuine, how raw, how "me" I was.

And then... I got used to this. It became a numbers game and, even though I still yearn for someone to embrace with my heart, I got swallowed by the grind of this place and lost my way. Somedays I feel like I just post to get that little red badge that indicates someone is interested in me... And I want to think that I try to connect, but in the end my heart hides and I rather get another chat request than go deeper. I don't want to do that anymore.

I have it all, a nice family, an ok career, pets... And yet, I feel trapped by it, like not all this was my choice. I shouldn't complain. Maybe I am indeed a cake eater. Or maybe I've hacked my moral compass enough to allow for this... Or maybe monogamy is just a necessary evil because humans suck at sharing and I don't like that I have to abide by that...

I don't think I'll get many requests... But I want to stick to one conversation. Until something good happens or we say goodbye. I'd prefer someone who is as busy as me, so that we don't have to feel guilty for replying hours later. I want to think that this is for the long term. Years. So, we have all the time in the world to have a slow paced conversation.

We can swap pics as soon as 1-2 days after we start talking, but I'll leave that up to you, I'm not in a hurry, and I promise I'm \\\*notabot.

I will be completely honest... I used to be chattier... But we'll, look at my username. I don't think you'll have to carry the conversation, but I admit I may need some help to get out of my shell and go off script... Because I've been here for so long that I feel like I've made myself follow a scripted conversation.

If I haven't pushed you away already by how lame I sound and you're still willing to pick me up and dust me off and see if there's a bright gem under the appearance of a dull rock... Talk to me.