I genuinely don’t know how much more I can take

Recently I realised how people really are and honestly I hate it.
I lost someone in my family and it’s been so fucking hard tbh. All the other things I was already dealing with are just on pause because I’m still in shock and somehow managing so many things here too. And I’m not even at home which makes everything so much worse. I’m not alone either, I’m surrounded by relatives, but honestly being around them is making my life hell. They’re toxic and I’m already so fucking frustrated with everyone and everything, even my own family at this point. I’m grieving and exhausted and somehow I still have to deal with all this shit around me.

And what hurts even more is seeing how people you thought were close to you actually are. I had two college friends and the same day I told them what happened, they just texted “take care” and that was it. They didn’t even bother asking me how I’m doing after that. No calls, no messages, nothing.
Like seriously, no one is THAT busy. Not with work, not even with a festival. You call me your best friend but apparently remember I exist only when you need something.

And the same thing happened with my online friends. When I was around, entertaining people and talking to everyone, they were there. Now that I’m not doing that, they’ve just ghosted me. Idk if people call this giving someone space or what, but is it really that hard to check on someone once? Especially when you know someone is going through something.

I hate how selfish people are. I hate realising that some of these connections probably meant way more to me than they ever did to them.

I’m just so fucking frustrated at everyone right now. My friends, my family, people I trusted, literally everyone. I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’m exhausted and I feel like I’m going downhill.

I was already not able to think straight for the past few months and now I’m just completely numb. My health, my career, my family, my emotions, my mental health, literally everything feels fucked up right now. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with all of this anymore.