very confused and emotional

please hear me out and please don't judge me yet. Sorry for my bad english, I'm from PH. F, 21.

i just came across of this subreddit and read all of your posts, and i've gotten so emotional because it left me confused with my beliefs. my mom is a jw and raised us to be one, but she never really imposed it and still loved us, my sister is in a same sex relationship and tho my mom warned her that it's not according to our belief, she never shunned my sister.

in my case, i have freedom ever since. i grew up in the congregation with very great people, but i always questioned what confuses me and is very open to my mother that i have my doubts to the congregation, but has a strong relationship with Jehovah.

that's like my lifeline. i know that in a cult, it's difficult to change a person's mind, but i just wanted clarity, and genuinely tries to see beyond what was built around me.

i love Jehovah and Jesus and always treated them as my bestfriends, i've always seen Him as a loving God and never put him in a box where I always fear that he might punish me. I know each of the members has differnt views, but to me, he is more than just a God who wanted to be served. I always tell Him my problems and asked for blessings or anything I want... like material things or clarity...

That's why I put PIMO because i still attend the meetings, but separated my relationship with God from them. I just stay because of my Mom and our family friends that genuinely loved and see me win.

I think every congregation is different, because my Mom's bestfriend and her family, encourages us to go to school and have jobs, and just wanted us to balance our life. Also, when I was inactive, an Elder, which stands as my mom's spiritual father visited me, and told me that I should never feel bad for having friends outside the congregation and just told me to be careful about dangerous influences like drinking and smoking. He told me that advice, after another Elder said that I should only focus inside the congregation.

I smoke now. and attend birthdays, and other stuffs. I have an active social life outside the congregation, most of the people i went with in the kingdom hall are older people.

But it's just hard for me to open my eyes to the "truth" when i've always been surrounded by good people who loves me. I'm not blind with the member's hypocrisy and always calls out my mom, and she's always open about it

When Pope Francis died, it really affected me... i don't know why. so I went to a solemn catholic church but prayed to Jehovah. I never cared about the people in the congregation or the GB, I don't even like it when members feels so privileged around them. I just idk im very confused.

I just need your opinion about this, and wanted to read about your perspective. I know i can't form a fair thought if I only talk to our family friends or my mom.