TW: SH, SA AND ATTEMPTS - NEED HELP

Hi.

For the past 3 years I’ve been in a relationship and it hasn’t been easy. Backstory on myself: I’ve struggled with my mental health since a child. Shitty family. I have BPD, C-PTSD, depression, anxiety and possibly bipolar disorder so I know I’m not the greatest person to have in your life.
To make a long story short, he was an intense alcoholic and I had no idea until he moved in with me. He emotionally cheated on me multiple times with his ex, lusted after many online women and has done a lot of shady things. We’ve been physical, we’ve argued, we’ve been through it all and I’ve done everything but leave.
In the midst of the alcoholism, cheating, me carrying the household in every way on my back- I attempted for the first time in years. He called the ambulance and then fell asleep drunk on our front lawn. We never talked about it. In fact, he made me go to one of his shows the next day as he is a musical artist.
Fast forward to about a year or so, my trauma comes front and center: my heroin addict dad was the one who molested me throughout my entire childhood. I told my mom and brothers. Only one brother believed me and stood by my side.
Between then and now, he’s stopped drinking and is doing all the “things” whatever tf that means. He’s “not cheating”, not drinking and tries to be present. I’ve been struggling severely due to my trauma as a child, trauma in the present with my family (most of them said I was lying about my dad SAing me for quite some time), my mental health seriously declined and then my sister dies. So, naturally, I lose it and I lost everything. Job, house, friends, family and my sanity.
I’ve been expressing to him for months now almost that I need emotional fulfillment, I can’t get over him cheating on me, I can’t stop thinking about what my dad did to me, I can’t stop thinking about my sister. He isn’t really there, never really was. Which leads me to the point of believing that I am simply a placeholder until the ex who he cheated with comes back to him.
Anyways, I’ve been really fucked up. Last night, I couldn’t sleep for nothing and I’ve been fighting the urge to not end myself for a while. Well, last night, I attempted. I left the house and got in the car, locked myself in, I took a bottle of meds & prayed I wouldn’t wake up. I sent him a long text saying goodbye and expressing myself one last time.
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