Toddler tantrums

My toddler of 3,5 years old is going through another phase of intense tantrums.

She is strong-willed and has been like this from a very young age. She can completely lose control over her emotions when things are not going like she has in mind. But she is also smart enough to know how to get what she wants.

I find it extremely difficult to know when she is just sort of acting to get her way and when she is truly upset. I don’t want to say she manipulates because I know it’s not exactly like that, but… Well, I hope you know what I mean. It also often seems to start from ‘acting’ but end in true meltdown.

I’ve learned to be firm about boundaries because she will find a way to stretch them. But I’m struggling with the tantrums that can follow.

I’ll try to paint a picture of a situation that happened today:

1. We were playing outdoors, everything was fine until another kid wanted to go on the swing that she was on. So I told her that we were going to switch soon. I counted to 10 so she knew when it was going to happen (this has been helpful before). But she got upset.
2. Her tantrum began. She started crying loudly and making angry sounds and gestures.
3. When moving towards her, she backed away, screaming “NO NO NO”
4. Tried to leave her be, but at some point I felt like she wouldn’t be able to calm down by herself.
5. Tried to pick her up and sit down, no talking. Didn’t work. She continued to try to get away from me.
6. Decided to get her out of the situation so went home with her to her room.
7. In her room she continued to crawl away from me, still crying loudly and visibly upset. She even crawled under the bed to get away. Tried to give her her bunny, this sometimes helps, but she wouldn’t accept.
8. I told her I could see she was upset and that I would leave her room and go into our bedroom to give her some space.
9. She started to scream more and call “MAMA MAMA MAMA”. I could see she came from under her bed and was just ANGRY. Tried to give it some time but at some point went back into her room.
10. She crawled back under her bed. Tried to stay close but not too close. Didn’t work.
11. At some point I put on some music (Peace Like A River) that I recently found when I was in a similar situation to help calm her down. It took some time but it worked. She calmed down enough so she allowed my touch and at some point she came to be and crawled on my lap. We sat there for two more repetitions of the song and then she said she wanted to go back outside to play.

So these kind of things happen often lately and I just don’t know what to do. It’s so hard to see her going through such intense emotions. She doesn’t seem to be able to calm herself down, but is also actively avoiding my comfort or help.

I’ve seen these parenting videos on how to not talk during tantrums and either just staying close or at least in sight until they calm down but it seems like this is not enough. I can wait forever and it will just get worse.

The things we’ve tried that got her out of her tantrum:

1. Getting really angry (but obviously this is not our preferred way)
2. Leaving her until she gets REALLY upset and finally allows us to comfort her (also not our preferred way)
3. Giving her her bunny
4. Playing calming music
5. Using her bunny and other stuffed animals to mimic her behaviour
6. Calmly explaining/replaying the situation and acknowledging her feelings (us telling her why we think she is feeling upset)

But none of these are always working so I find myself desperately looking for new ways to help her.

Any tips? What should I have done in this specific situation? If you know of any helpful resources like books or videos, that would also be greatly appreciated. Thank you!!