Boderline Personality Disorder is causing me to be an Incel... Advice?

**I start with my experience with Boderline Personality Disorder and then mention what in my childhood caused it below**

**My simptoms** I'm a guy 22. I have never been in a relationship. I have severe rejection sensitivity that causes me to spiral into s******* thoughts. If a girl I was friends with gets a boyfriend I would completely block her and cut her off out of jealousy. In the span of a few hours, I will swing from thinking of women who I am attracted to as the most amazing superior beings that I put on a pedestal who I treat as literal gods to worship but if anything happens that makes me feel rejected. (It could be that she disagrees with me or she will giggle and I will think she's laughing at me,), This will cause me to despise them and feel hatred towards them and verbally insult and be emotionally abusive towards them. I will go from seeing them as goddesses that I want to worship to filthy rats that I want to spit on in the span of a few hours

I only ever been on one date where I had a bpd episode and the girl literally ran away from me and abruptly ended the date and of course I hated her for it. Tbf I was likely behaving psychotic and she got scared

And the awful thing is if I didn't have this disorder I could have a massively fruitful dating life. I am very often told by both men and women but especially women about how attractive I am. I posted a selfie in a hair forum to ask women what haircut to get and I got women in the comments gushing over me. You would assume I should have high confidence and thats the case half the time but any sign of rejection and I turn into a horrible nasty ugly monster and women will not want to have anything to do with me because they can see the ugly behaviour in my eyes.

I am all alone and worried this will be forever. I have had 14 weeks of therapy it has helped slightly but I am far from cured

I don't want to be kissless forever

**My early childhood experience** This is one of my earliest invalidating experience in my life. [I have had many other much more severe experiences a little later in my childhood but this is what I think is the start of my story]

As a child I was always considered very sensitive and many described me as adorably cute. I was the youngest of two brothers and many saw me as highly gifted. I was unfortunately very sensitive which made me an easy target for bullies. I remember at around age 7, a girl who was the daughter of my mothers friend used to pay a lot of attention to me and often tried deliberately winding me up. I remember she was stronger than me and would pin me down and I would struggle but not be able to get up and move. I remember she pulled my t-shirt off and ran away with it and I would run after her only to not be able to catch her.

What I didn't like was that a girl was able to physically overpower me was faster and stromger than which felt extremely humiliating

One distinct memory was she went to the same swimming class as me and when I was at a swimming pool and in the changing room I remember hearing her and her friends come near my cubicle I heard her laugh and I remember reaching my hand to hold the curtain closed because I was so scared that she was going to open it while I wasn't wearing anything and I remember she hit my hand and the shock of it caused me to let go and she pulled the curtain open. I never felt so embarrassed in my life. Her and her friends were also laughing at me.

The thing was is I remember explaining to my mother how this girl was causing me distress and I didn't want to be around her but It was just completely dismissed. My mother just said she found me cute and nothing was done

I just ended up keeping resentment towards this silly little girl for years and years and not letting it go.'