I’m hoping to get some honest advice

Hi everyone,

I’m hoping to get some honest advice, especially from women, because I’m trying to understand my wife’s perspective better and figure out what I can do to make our relationship and marriage better. I’m 37M and my wife is 38F. We’ve been happily married for 12 years and have an 8-year-old child.

Our Routine -

For some background, we both work full-time and mostly work from home. Over the years, we’ve naturally divided up the responsibilities at home. My wife usually gets our child ready for school, prepares the lunchbox and breakfast, and then starts her workday after getting ready herself.

I usually drop our child at school, clean the kitchen, pick them up from school, and cook lunch and dinner for the family. I’ve been doing most of the cooking for around 12 years. My wife is actually a better cook than I am, but she doesn’t particularly enjoy cooking every day, so I genuinely enjoy doing it for her. My intention has always been to give her some time to relax, rest, or simply have some time for herself. I’ve always tried to treat her with love, care and respect. A lot of my decisions revolve around making sure she and our family are comfortable and happy.

I’m not saying this because I think doing household chores means I’m owed anything sexually. I’m mentioning it because I’m genuinely trying to understand whether there’s something else I could be doing differently.

The area where I’m struggling is our sex life.

Even before we had our child, sex was never particularly regular. It wasn’t unusual for us to go 2–3 months without having sex. Sometimes it was because she was busy or tired, and sometimes we had an argument and naturally weren’t intimate afterward.

When our child was younger, my wife was extremely sleep-deprived and struggled to get proper rest. She became exhausted and restless, so I suggested that she sleep in a separate room so she could get some uninterrupted sleep and recover.

I started sleeping in our child’s room instead. That arrangement ended up continuing for around three years.

Now I’m realizing that we’ve become somewhat disconnected physically, and I honestly don’t know how to approach it anymore.

My wife never really asks for sex and doesn’t initiate it. Given that sex was never a regular part of our relationship to begin with, I’m not sure whether she simply has a low desire, whether we’ve gotten into a habit of not being intimate, or whether there’s something else going on. I obviously don’t want to pressure her or make her feel obligated.

At the same time, I miss that physical closeness and intimacy with my wife, and I’d really like us to reconnect.

So I’m wondering:

How do I bring this conversation up without making her feel pressured?

Should I simply tell her that I miss being close to her and ask how she feels about our physical relationship?

Is there a better way to rebuild intimacy after years of sleeping separately and having an inconsistent sex life?

For the women here: if your husband was in my position, what would make you feel comfortable talking about this?

Is there anything obvious I may be missing?

One thought I had was to simply pull her closer, cuddle her and ask if she wants to be intimate — but I’m not sure if that’s the right approach given how disconnected we’ve become physically.

I’d really appreciate honest perspectives, particularly from women who may be able to explain how this situation might look from my wife’s side.

I’m not looking to blame her or complain about the lack of sex. I love my wife and want to understand her better.

I just want to figure out how we can find our way back to being close again.