Sometimes I search people from my past just to see if their life turned out worse than mine

I'm not proud of this at all.

Every once in a while I'll look up old friends, exes, people who rejected me, or people I used to be jealous of. And if I see that they're doing incredibly well, there's this tiny part of me that feels disappointed.

But if they're struggling, single, stuck in the same place, or clearly not living the amazing life I imagined they would... I feel better about myself.

I don't contact them. I don't want anything bad to actually happen to them. I'd probably even be nice to them if we met again.

But apparently there's an ugly part of me that sometimes wants proof that I didn't “lose” at life compared to them.

I hate how satisfying that feeling can be.