Does anybody feel like their father failed his own family? Any stories to share?

I know this is long and I don't blame you guys for skipping past this post. Maybe I just need to vent to feel better.

Does anybody else ever wish they had a better father? I know this probably sounds awfully stupid, but sometimes I daydream that in another universe, I have the most selfless, supportive, loving father. Someone who actually wants to be there for his family, who makes his wife feel supported, who would do anything for his children, and who genuinely puts his family before himself. I know it's impossible, but sometimes I let myself imagine what that would feel like just to make myself feel even 0.001% better.

I love my dad simply because he is my dad. But loving someone does not mean I have to ignore the ways they have failed me, and my dad has failed our family in more ways than I think I have ever allowed myself to admit. When I really think about my childhood and my life, I struggle to come up with many genuinely good memories involving him. He picked me up and dropped me off places, and I appreciate that, but beyond those things, I honestly struggle to identify what he has contributed to our family. It is painful to even write that about my own father because I wish I had more good things to say.

He has been an alcoholic for essentially the past 25 years of my life. I grew up watching him prioritize himself, his friends, and his habits over his family. He has always been lazy, and what frustrates me most is that he seems completely comfortable with it. It's almost as though he believes that going to work was enough to fulfill his responsibilities as a husband and father. But being a father is so much more than bringing home a paycheque. It's being present. It's helping around the house. It's being there for your children. It's making sacrifices for your family. It's making your wife feel like she has a partner instead of another person she has to carry.

I understand that he worked a full-time job until his company started laying people off, and losing your job is not something I would ever hold against someone. Life happens. But what someone chooses to do afterward says a lot about their character. He has been on E.I., and instead of seeing this as a temporary situation and doing whatever he can to bring in additional income until he finds another job, he has made very little effort. He spends time with his friends, goes about his life, and barely spends meaningful time with his family. It's hard for me to understand how you can have a family depending on you and still live as though nothing has changed.

Meanwhile, he drives an expensive car he cannot comfortably afford without a job and refuses to consider downsizing to something more affordable. He always needs the newest phone, even when he cannot afford it and does not actually need it. He has expensive clothes while my mom buys herself inexpensive things and works two jobs. And when they cannot afford their bills, they have to ask for financial support. I only help because of my mom. I would do anything to make sure she is okay, but I hate that helping her sometimes also means helping him. I hate being put in a position where I have to financially compensate for choices he has made, especially when he is capable of making different choices.

And that is where a lot of my resentment comes from. I cannot understand how you can watch your wife work more than one job to keep your household afloat and not feel compelled to do more. I am not saying that a man has to be the sole provider. I am saying that when your family is struggling, you should have enough pride, responsibility, or love for them to want to contribute however you can. You should want to make life easier for the people you love. Instead, my mom has spent years carrying responsibilities that should never have been hers alone. She constantly puts her own needs last because she is so focused on taking care of everyone else, and it genuinely makes me depressed to think about how she must feel and how much of her life she has sacrificed.

I actually remember being a kid and standing at a bus stop with my mom when she asked me if she should divorce my dad. They used to fight ALL the time... I don't remember what I said. Maybe I answered, or maybe I just stayed quiet because I was too young to understand the weight of what she was asking me. But sometimes I wish I could go back to that moment. I wish I had begged her to leave. I wish I had told her that we would be okay. I wish she had chosen herself instead of worrying about me and my siblings not having a father. I truly believe we would all be happier if she had divorced him. I know that sounds horrible to say about my own father, but sometimes the truth is horrible. I was just a kid, and I didn't understand what was happening, but now that I'm older, I wish I could have given her the answer I would give her today.

When he is home, he does not cook, he does not clean, and he does not really help. He simply exists in the house while everyone else keeps everything moving. Honestly, I think that is what hurts the most. It is not just the money, the drinking, the laziness, or the lack of care for his family. It is the way he lives as though he has no real responsibilities. He comes and goes as he pleases, does the bare minimum, and when he has a problem, he relies on someone else to solve it. When something needs to be taken care of, someone else eventually handles it. Sometimes it feels like living with a teenager who happens to be an adult man, and maybe that is why I am so angry. I don't want to have to parent my own father.

I don't want to worry about whether he can afford his car. I don't want to help cover bills because he won't make the sacrifices necessary to support himself. I don't want my mom working herself into the ground while he sits comfortably beside her. I don't want to watch the people I love suffer because someone refuses to take responsibility for their own life. And honestly, I don't want to worry about moving out and leaving my mom behind, wondering if she will feel lonelier than ever because of him. I want to be able to move forward with my own life without feeling like I am abandoning her. I want to know that she will be okay even when I am not there as much to help.

I think every child, regardless of their age, wants to be able to look at their father and think, "My dad would do anything for us." I don't have that feeling. Instead, I have spent much of my life watching my mom do everything while my dad does the bare minimum and somehow never seems bothered by it. Sometimes I think my dad is a loser, and sometimes I wish my mom had married someone else. That sentence makes me feel horrible because I know I cannot change the past, and I know he is still my father. I love him because he is my dad, and I probably always will. But I also can't pretend that I don't sometimes wonder how different our lives would have been if my mom had married someone who actually showed up for her and for us.

I think what makes all of this even harder is that I feel guilty for saying any of it. There is something deeply unfair about carrying guilt for acknowledging how much someone has hurt and disappointed you when that person does not seem to feel guilty about the things that caused it. Maybe that is the part I am finally struggling to understand. Why am I carrying the shame for something I did not do? Why do I feel guilty for being angry about circumstances I never created? Why am I the one questioning whether I am being too harsh when he has had decades to recognize the impact of his choices and change?

I don't think I hate my dad. I think I hate what being his daughter has meant sometimes. I hate that I have had to think about things a child should never have had to think about. I hate that I worry about my mom, about money, about my family, and about what will happen when I eventually move out and build a life of my own. And maybe more than anything, I am grieving the father I wish I had and the loving husband my mom could've had.

Sometimes I think that is why I daydream about having a different dad in another universe. Not because I don't love the father I have, but because a small part of me still wishes I knew what it felt like to have the father I needed.