Not even my girlfriend can save me

I’m 27 and the last couple months I’ve struggling SEVERELY with my mental health. So bad that two weeks a go I literally reached out to 988.

Today was just a bad mental health day in general. I was agitated and anxious about a verity of different things and the thoughts were so loud. At one point during the day I was visibly shaking because I was experiencing very strong and overwhelming feelings and had to take propranolol to calm me down. I was restless and no matter what I tried to do to keep myself busy, nothing made it better.

My girlfriend of 7 years and I went to get dinner. She’s aware of my mental health conditions for the most part (anxiety, adhd, bipolar) and has been pretty supportive of my treatment for that. She could tell that I was off this evening and I decided to be honest with her. I told her that I feel incredibly alone and that it’s suffocating. It was really hard for me to admit this to her out loud, and frankly I was terrified that she would be upset because I’m not alone because I have her in my life. Her response caught me off guard.

She proceeded to tell me to hang out with friends. Or get a different part time job. Or that maybe it’s time to consider moving back home (we live out of state). I immediately gave in and was basically like “yeah you’re right” just to end the conversation. I am not expecting her to solve my problems, but I really want her support. If there’s any drive that keeps me going, it’s her. Everything I do in my life is for her. And it breaks my heart she can’t see the pain I’m in.

It’s not her fault; she doesn’t understand because she has never been in my shoes before. And I am not mad or upset at her at all. It just really kind of reinforces why I feel so alone.

So here I am again. Tossing and turning, with all this damn noise in my head that I can’t get out. I am so tired and exhausted of all of this, and I’m holding hope that the light at the end of the tunnel comes soon. I’m popping some Seroquel now in hopes it will knock me out so I can forget this awful day.

Thanks for listening bros. Take care of yourselves.