Dad is hospitalized. Triggered.

My dad is in the hospital for a kidney issue. I don’t have a ton of information, other than that he’s been there for a couple of days and might have to get a catheter. It’s been hard to get a hold of my parents. He was hospitalized for a severe panic attack that made him unable to speak not long before that.

I feel triggered and am having PTSD from April 2023 when my dad was hospitalized for his suicide attempt. I found him and called the man I was dating for help, who he saved his life. I fell in love with this man and he was highly abusive to me. I failed my first year of grad school and had so many failures to due all of this trauma. I’ve healed a lot since then, but still struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts sometimes. My last suicidal crisis was only a couple weeks ago.

One of the main reasons I haven’t killed myself is because I know it would destroy my dad. He would lose his mind and go into psychosis, probably. He would probably die out of heartbreak. However, if my dad doesn’t make it, I don’t have to worry his wellbeing if kill myself. Idk. I keep trying to be excited about my future and work hard, but I’m just so tired.

I made a post, months ago, on this subreddit about my trauma related to my dad’s suicide attempt and how I was suicidal. And someone commented that this subreddit was not the place for my post. I felt bad and deleted it. However, I’ve been seeing posts on this subreddit similiar to mine so I feel okay about posting this.