Does anybody ever feel like their father failed them? Stories to share?

Does anybody else ever wish they had a better father? I know this probably sounds stupid, but sometimes I daydream that in another universe, I have the most selfless and supportive father. Someone who genuinely puts his family first, supports my mom, and would do anything for his children. I know I can't change the father I have, but sometimes imagining that makes me feel even 0.001% better. I love my dad simply because he is my dad, but loving someone doesn't mean I have to ignore the ways they have failed me and our family. He has been an alcoholic for essentially the past 2 decades of my life, and I grew up watching him prioritize himself, his friends, and his wants over his family. He has always been lazy, and what hurts most is how comfortable he seems being that way. It's almost as if he thinks going to work was enough to fulfill his role as a husband and father. I understand that he lost his job because his company laid people off, and I would never fault someone for losing their job, but what someone chooses to do afterward says a lot. He has been on E.I., yet instead of trying to bring in extra money, cutting back, or doing whatever he can to help, he continues spending on an expensive car, the newest phone, and expensive clothes while my mom works two jobs and buys herself inexpensive things. When they can't afford their bills, they have to ask me for financial help. I only do it because of my mom, and I hate that helping her means helping him too.

What makes me resent him most is watching my mom carry responsibilities that should never have been hers alone. She constantly puts her own needs last, works more than one job, and somehow he seems completely comfortable watching her do it. I don't expect him to be the sole provider, but I do expect him to want to contribute and make life easier for the people he loves. Instead, when he is home, he doesn't cook, clean, or really help. He comes and goes as he pleases, does the bare minimum, and when he has a problem, someone else has to solve it. He will never take the time or energy to fix anything himself. Sometimes it feels like living with a teenager who happens to be an adult man, and I don't want to have to parent my own father.

I still remember being a kid at a bus stop when my mom asked me if she should divorce my dad. I don't remember what I said, but sometimes I wish I could go back to that moment and beg her to leave. I wish she had chosen herself instead of worrying about me and my siblings growing up without a father. I truly believe we would all be happier if she had divorced him. I also worry about moving out and leaving my mom behind, wondering if she will feel lonelier than ever because of him. I want to build my own life without feeling like I am abandoning her, but it is hard when I know how much she has carried for so long.

I think every child wants to be able to look at their father and think, "My dad would do anything for us." I don't have that feeling. Never did. Instead, I've spent much of my life watching my mom do everything while my dad does the bare minimum or nothing at all, and never seems bothered by it. Sometimes I think my dad is a loser, and sometimes I wish my mom had married someone else. I feel horrible admitting that, but there is something deeply unfair about feeling guilty for acknowledging how much someone has hurt and disappointed you when they don't seem to feel guilty about the things that caused it. Why am I carrying the shame for something I didn't do? Why do I feel guilty for being angry about circumstances I never created? I don't think I hate my dad. I think I hate what being his daughter has meant sometimes, and maybe more than anything, I'm grieving the father I wish I had and the loving husband my mom deserved.