I feel bad for quitting coaching with my ex.

I don’t know why I am writing this tbh but I’m bored at work and it’s been on my mind. I guess I’ll start with some background info.

I (20M) started dating my ex (20F) when we were 17-18. We dated for about a year. Looking back, I wasn't the best boyfriend and there were plenty of things I could have done better.

I eventually broke up with her in January 2025. At the time, I felt like she was very negative. We worked together for a while, and she was frequently angry or stressed at work and would sometimes take that frustration into our relationship. I tried talking to her about it, but ultimately I didn't think things were changing.

The breakup was difficult for me, and I continued thinking about her frequently.

Fast forward to April 2026. She reached out to me and we started talking again. She told me that she wanted to move outside the US toward the end of the year. We both knew that our long term plans probably weren't compatible, but I saw our time together as an opportunity to make up for the ways I had failed her in our previous relationship.

For a while, things felt almost perfect. We became very intimate and loving toward each other, and I fell for her even harder. I was so happy she was back in my life that I started putting her ahead of almost everything. I would call off work and avoid making plans with friends because I wanted to be available if she wanted to see me.

One night, she asked me to help coach her cheer team. I had never coached anything before and told her that, but she said she trusted me and thought I could do a good job. At that point I was completely in love with her, so I agreed. I honestly would have done almost anything for her.

We even told each other that we had never stopped loving each other.

About a month later, she went on a trip outside the country. We had been texting constantly, and then almost overnight her communication changed. Instead of talking regularly, I'd sometimes get one text every 8-10 hours.

When she returned, I asked if I had done something wrong. She told me she hadn't changed and was just enjoying her vacation and wasn't on her phone as much.

The next day we had an eight hour coaches meeting. She seemed distant and didn't really want to interact with me. Afterward she simply said she'd see me at the next meeting. I asked what was wrong, and she said she was stressed about work, the sports season starting, and coming back from her trip.

We had planned to go to a camping store afterward, but she initially didn't want to go. Later she asked if I still wanted to go, so I picked her up and drove us there. She didn't find what she wanted and found a backpack online that was about two hours away. I offered to drive her there.

The entire time things felt awkward.

After getting the backpack and some food, I drove her home. When she got out of my car, I tried to kiss her. She rejected me and said something along the lines of, "We're just friends. I thought you knew that."

I was devastated.

Later that night I asked what had changed and whether she had met someone while traveling. She told me she had developed a crush on another guy during the trip. Nothing happened between them, but having that crush made her realize that being intimate with a friend wasn't right for her.

I knew our situation wasn't necessarily going to last forever, but I hadn't expected it to end so suddenly.

At this point, coaching became complicated.

I didn't know whether I should quit because I was actively grieving what I thought our relationship was. I told her that I didn't think coaching was healthy for me because I was going to have to spend multiple days a week around someone I was trying to get over.

She was upset because she needed someone to cover Thursdays and Saturdays while she worked. She told me that our personal relationship and coaching should be separate, and I agreed in principle, but emotionally I was struggling with that.

I ultimately continued coaching for about two and a half months.

Then, the week before I quit, one of my siblings nearly died.

That experience made me reevaluate what I was doing with my life. I realized I didn't want to continue putting myself through things that caused me significant stress and didn't make me happy.

The truth is, I never enjoyed coaching. If I had never been involved with my ex, I never would have volunteered to coach in the first place. I took the position because I loved her and wanted to make her happy.

So I told her I was quitting.

She was upset and told me that I had made a commitment to the team and that the team came first. I agree that she has a point. I made a commitment, and technically I went back on my word.

I felt terrible because the team actually liked me as a coach, and I knew my leaving would make things more difficult for her. I even offered to stay for another three weeks to make the transition easier.

She told me she wanted me to leave as soon as possible.

I feel guilty because I know I created an inconvenience for the team and for her. At the same time, I feel like I had to choose myself. I was miserable and only took the position in the first place because of my feelings for her. At the same time a big part of me believes she was using me. She would only want to talk to me about coaching and didn’t even seem like she wanted to be my friend. She asked me in a pretty vulnerable state. It’s my fault for agreeing but for the wrong reasons. When I quit she would say things like “you only cared about the intimacy” but that’s just not true at all. I wanted everything with this woman and I loved her so much. Any questions feel free to ask. I would love to answer.