I've been with my bpd partner for about 8 months

I've been with my bpd partner (male) for 8 months. We're both really young but I won't disclose our age for privacy reasons.

We have a really unstable relationship and im always in crisis when I do something wrong.

It started when he confessed to me after only 12 days of meeting. It was a bit quick and he did show signs of bpd before we were together. I was always there to comfort him. At first we both talked about boundaries and everything and we agreed upon it. Then one day he needed to check my phone. He told me to block multiple people which I didn't for a few weeks and I admit I'm wrong for it. We both fixed the relationship and we agreed to not have opposite gender friends despite our boundaries initially not being that. But after a while I found him still talking to a close girl friend that likes him. He admitted he was wrong after a while and promised to not do it again. ​​

We kept having arguments about everything. Im always in a crisis and i had to update 15-20 minutes even when I was taking classes in college. He would think im cheating if i missed an update and say the meanest things for hours and hours until I break down. I would vomit and get sick because of how much I genuinely loved and cared for him but I didn't want him to treat me this way. I complained about it until the day he split on me and say I'm always complaining about being weak and I stopped telling him (I have chronic illness since childhood) he would complain I'm whiny and weak and pathetic and can't even do simple stuff. He would say the worst things to me like how I'm an ungrateful girlfriend and don't appreciate him. I got sick quite often and there was no checkups or care. When I asked for care he would say that he's suffering and compare his pain and I'll ended up comforting him. ​​But after all that he always appologized and comfort me. That's the confusing part. One moment I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and another he's telling me he hates me and wished I would die. ​

6 months in One day I found out he lied to me about his past and everything. He had a horrible past and was comparing me the day his ex texted him. (he blocked his ex immediately) (he got cheated on multiple times)After a while he admitted he was wrong but whenever we have arguments he just attacks me and say the meanest harshest things like telling me I should go kill myself. I kept finding out things about his past like how he talks to many girls and wasn't the person I knew. It shattered me and broke me. He wanted me to move on quickly which I didn't and I was resenting him for a while. One night I left him for my own health but he found a way to contact me and he promised he would change and be the man I want. He tried to change for me and I saw it. He was suppressing his anger more often. But he was not caring and not empathetic even when I got a really bad illness he didn't cared. He has always been like that but I don't blame him. I'm just really hurt because he doesn't put in the same effortBut after a few weeks it came back and im not doing well again. I know he genuinely loves me and I'm really stuck. I love him very much too. He's draining my life but at the end of the day he's just a scared boy that wants to protect himself. I always find ways to treat him better but it's costing my mental health and physical health. ​

I'm an empath and really kind and friendly person. I started being mean to people and changing my ways just because of him. He taught me about his version of love and say mine was incorrect. He always says he can't live without me. I was always there for him to stabilise his emotions. He says he stops being angry or split whenever he hears me cry my heart out and it's true. He says only I can do that. ​​I always get him gifts.i spent almost 1k usd in the span of 8 months. He would get mad when his favourite game skin was on shop and i couldnt get it because of issues. I always got it for him in the end. He would think i dont care about him if i didnt.

​After a while I wanted the same effort. I was texting 15-20 minutes but he could text me back in 50minutes and I would be fine because I'm understanding. I couldn't do the same because I had to understand that he has a mental illness. I wanted equal effort. He told me to be more understanding. I asked for care and effort and he said I was ungrateful and a bad girlfriend. ​I genuinely don't know what to do. I have no time to take care of myself. And depression got worse for me. There are many more many more but I'm so tired of writting.

Am I really ungrateful or a bad girlfriend trying to excuse myself? He did do a lot of good things for me and I appreciate it. I'm really sad right now and I need help and I can't go to him because he is not okay right now