i feel like i'm ruining my friendships.

My best friend, who I love so, so dearly, is so incredibly great to me. We've been friends for 10 years now. But some days, I just... want to tell her I don't want to talk anymore and to just leave me alone and never speak again. I feel the same way towards my online friends sometimes, and they're also great to me. I love them, and I'm sure they love me just as much. I want to believe that. But some days it's just so hard to. I've had the biggest crush on my best friend, but.. if I tell her, she'll feel awkward and probably won't want to stay with me. I'm sure she wouldn't do that, but it's just this horrible, aching fear of mine. I'm terrified to confess, because it just doesn't feel genuine sometimes. I feel like I'm forcing myself to feel this way. I've been shoving this feeling so far away it feels like I'm pushing our friendship away as well. I'm so scared to lose her, because she's the only person I have that will talk to me every day. I've been forgotten at my old school, so I can't go back there even if I wanted to. I've either been forgotten, or this one person I used to be friends with spread so many rumors about me they all just hate me and *want* to forget me. I don't want to feel this way towards her anymore, but I seriously don't know what to do. The feelings are so genuinely unwanted, but- i guess im just so lonely it feels romantic?... or we've just been friends long enough we're closer than best friends. Shes been worried about me, but i dont know what to tell her. That im madly in love with her and dont want to be? Thats a HUGE insult. What do i even do?..​​