weird breakup

I met my ex in spain, I was there on a visa with a teaching program. from the beginning, he was inconsistent and avoidant. wanted access to me but didn’t want to be official. over the course of a year, I broke up with him and went back to him three times before we finally got together for real, official titles, introductions to his family and planning a future together.

we had the most magical few months as bf and gf. everything was perfect. he was perfect.

I had to go home to get my new visa so I could go back. I kid you not, the second I got on that plane home, something switched. it’s like we went straight back to how it was in the beginning but worse. he was cold, uncaring. unkind. didn’t say good morning or goodnight. didn’t ask me about my day. didn’t care.

it’s only been a month and he told me he didn’t feel the same love, that he didn’t want to do long distance (mind you, it is only 2 months of long distance) but didn’t want to lose me.

I cried and cried and was tortured at the idea of losing him but asked myself if this is someone I really want to be with- someone who obviously doesn’t want to be with me but wants access to me. someone who has lost me before, many times, and is obviously willing to do it again.

so I broke it off a week ago and guys when I tell you I feel SO much better than when I was with him. I miss him, I really do, but I don’t want to be with someone like that, someone with such disregard for my feelings, someone who doesn’t see my value.

I hate that I unfortunately have to suffer in relationships by not leaving and staying away sooner but I really think there’s something to staying, not until you hate them, but until you feel done. the breakup has been easy on my heart this time because I don’t want him anymore, I am not romanticizing or idealizing him, I’ve accepted who he is and what it means to be with him and I don’t want that for myself anymore. I deserve better.

don’t get me wrong, it is hard, I get good news and I still want to call him, I miss laughing together, I miss our inside jokes and the way he called me cariño. there will be hard days and good days. but I don’t have to question my value anymore and my nervous system doesn’t have to be wrecked by a manchild who doesn’t know how to love.

amen.