I don't see any point of life anymore.

​Hi, M26 here. My childhood was traumatic, and I am very bad at expressing myself never able to share how I feel with anyone.

​I just need to express my feelings. I feel numb. Last month, I tried to **** myself on multiple occasions, and these episodes constantly haunt me. On August 27, my birthday, I tried to choke myself squeezed my **** as hard as I could and stopped ended up crying thinking about my maa. On August 21, I tried to eat rat poison at my PG where I live alone.

​I think all of this came from my childhood. I was 11 when my father died by s****e. I saw him h****ng through the ceiling fan at that age. I screamed my lungs out, but I was not able to cry. He died but i had zero tears in my eyes that day. That image is still imprinted in my head.

​He was an alcoholic and used to beat my mother. He had a mental illness ,he was bipolar. He had a different personality when he was sober, like a fucking saint. Can't share much though, but it feels like the whole family is cursed.

​I loved a girl from school and we got into a relationship, but this depression and sharing these thoughts with her fucked my 5-year relationship. She told me, "You cry a lot, you are too depressing," and told me she is in a relationship with someone else now. She was in the same college as me, but my junior. Everything suddenly became worse.

​I drowned myself in alcohol after that and started smoking weed every day. I cannot sleep haven't slept in the past 3 days. My eyes have sunken into darkness. Every time I try to do something to myself, I just end up crying, thinking: What about my mom and my sister? I just don't want them to go through it again.

​I live alone, have never dated anyone after that breakup, can't talk to anyone, and can't trust anyone. I feel like everyone will leave me.

​There are constant voices in my head stopping me from sleeping, every time telling me, "It isn't worth it, you ugly bastard. She left you because you are a freak." And I know deep down that I am a freak. Even in my office, I used to sit alone in a corner, never talked to anyone, or tried making friends. Even if someone tries to approach me, I tend to distance myself from any type of contact or relationship. I quit my job, emptied my funds, and have a debt of 45k, which is fueling this feeling even more inside me.

​I am just too frustrated. Why the fuck did I have to see what I saw as a child? I was the first person who opened that door. Fuck, every night I see that image.

​Why, f***ng why? This isn't what life should feel like. I don't know, my head hurts so much. It is always messy. I don't know how far I can go with this shitty brain of mine.